By Finoot Thedirt, Our Unmentionable Correspondent

Astute readers will have recognised that the name above is a pseudonym, as I am operating under deep cover within the No campaign's internal security unit led by 'Smiley, Smiley, Carol Smillie'.

Anyone surprised that she has such incisive forensic talents should note that her chat show "Smillie's People" was not given that name for no reason! In the intelligence community, nicknames are common. The UK's bitterest enemies in the CIA are known as the "Friends".

The No campaign is nicknamed the "Circus" - not because of the lions, but because of its clowns.

Smillie is conducting an investigation to uncover the mole (codenamed Angus) who has been instrumental in devising ludicrous statements and strategies from the campaign's allies and, simultaneously, influencing the highest levels of the UK Government to make decisions which are proving disastrous to the Union.

The mastermind in the Scotlandshire apparatus at Edinburgh Centre is well known, and goes under the codename "Nicola". However, unless her mole Angus is caught and that disruptive influence curtailed, the future of undemocratic government in the UK is doomed, and even England might fall under the evil ideology of democracy.

Since 1320, Scotlandshire has been the principal source of democracy and its threat to proper, neoliberal, capitalist, imperialism has long been recognised as the major threat to the poverty of the masses as we know it.

The original list of suspects was long and originally contained every Unionist politician who might have been recruited while at University in Scotlandshire.

Oxbridge is the exclusive recruiting ground for the CIA and KGB, and Tony Blair (CIA) and David Cameron (KGB) are the best known recruits. 'Provincial' English Universities are generally ignored by recruiters as they don't produce UK leaders of any significance.

Smillie revealed that her task has been awesomely difficult. "While some of our disasters are the result of 'Nicola's' stratagems, they are often indistinguishable from those that result from the simple stupidity of so many No-men", she complained.

"For example, when I learned last November that ASLEF had decided that their members would democratically decide to support the Tory 'Better Together' campaign (as opposed to the separatist Labour Disunited campaign) at their Edinburgh Conference, I was deeply suspicious that this was another of 'Angus's' schemes.

"But, no. the ASLEF Executive are actually as stupid as their evidence to Davidson's silly wee committee implied.

"Can you imagine anyone being so crassly stupid as to self publicise their inanity, like ASLEF's 'officer in Scotlandshire', Kevin Lindsay? When a delegate asked if there was any point in leaving a right-wing Westminster government to get a right-wing Holyrood government. ‘I think too many people got carried away watching Braveheart!’ he declared.

"Jesus! When we win the referendum, these idiots are headed for the gulags!"

The mole Angus operates at the very heart of the UK Government. That is where his disinformation campaign is most apparent, because there it is at its most subtle.

A Jock (or someone with Jock connections) in, or near, the Cabinet is obviously a traitor to the Union and the list of suspects has been narrowed down to Gove, Moore, Cable, or Alexander. All are clearly complicit in communicating a vision of Westmister as wholly incompetent, but which of them is the mole controlling the others, and which three are simply dupes of a Scotlandshire mole?

Smillie's people are currently homing on the most recent manifestation of treachery at Westminster. While Unionist strategy has been concentrating on Scotlandshire being unable to operate in isolation against multi-national predators and tax havens, elements in the UK Government have been briefing that no country on its own (including the UK) can deal with these problems on its own and that international co-operation is the solution.

Such dangerous heresy obviously undermines the Unionist case. If the UK can't deal with these problems on its own, what useful purpose does it serve?

While all four main suspects are economically illiterate, only one of them is close enough to the decision making process in the UK Treasury to have manipulated this strategy. An entrapment strategy is in place, and we await developments. No public announcement is considered likely, so you may never discover just who Angus is - unless Scotlandshire gains separation, of course.

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