By Nat Butcher our new Political Editor

Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont has not attended Holyrood in person since being elected, but has been replaced by an actor, it has been revealed.

Since her unexplained victory in the Scottish Labour leadership elections last year, Johann Lamont has been working with a small team of advisors in a secret bunker below the Glasgow City Chambers.

Throughout this time she has been secretly planning a series of commissions and studies, designed to allow Scottish Labour policy to fall into line with the main party in London.

Rather than take time out from this crucial work, Lamont was advised not to attend Holyrood in person, but has been represented instead by an unknown look-alike actor, James Krankie (64).

So successful was the ruse, that even Labour MSP colleagues were taken in, until the news was leaked last night after Lamont was spotted sneaking upstairs to the deputy council leader's office for a conjugal visit.

Lamont's error was compounded when it transpired that she had accidentally, entered the office of the council leader, Gordon Matheson, who was seen shortly afterwards, running down the corridors of power, wearing nothing but a pair of deepest red socks and a deeply worried expression.

According to Matheson, he had been accosted by a sex-crazed Lamont while taking a well-deserved nap at the voter's expense. He told a BBC Scotlandshire reporter, “I hid just finished gettin' the broon envelopes thegither for ramorra's planning committee meeting, and I had driftit aff tae sleep.

“At first, I thought I wis dreaming about thon time I was oan Jim'll fix it, but I soon realised that Johann Lamont was busy pullin' aff my claes with the wan haun, and squeezing my democratic principles wi the other. An she wis shoutin "The cap fits" a the time an aw.

“I huvnae been sae scared since I thought the Natz were gonnae win the cooncil elections and open up the books. So I legged it oot ay there and ended up staunin' wi nae kegs oan in a reception for some group ca'ed the Women's Institute Foundation for the Eradication of Youthful Sin.

Shadow Minister for Healthy Exercise and Slimming, Jackie Baillie said, “I was gob-smacked when I found our Johann had been replaced by an actor. But it does explain why she just reads from a script every week and keeps on asking the same question even when its been answered 3 times already.

“Of course, Mr Krankie knows nothing of politics and continually made a fool of himself whenever he opened his mouth – particularly on camera. But then we all know that Johann's no brains trust either, so we didn't spot the switch at all.”

SNP MSP Kenny “Getimboy” Gibson told this reporter that the SNP were equally taken aback by the news of the Labour Leader's substitution.

He said: “We all thought Johann had been swapped out for a right Tory bastirt a fortnight ago, but we had no idea she'd been hiding away for months. I think its about time we brought in gender testing for some of those Labour front benchers.”

Chairwarmer of the Scottish Affairs committee for Tories Openly Lying to Influence the Electorate of Scotlandshire, Ian Davidson MP, said:

“Ah kent fine there wis somethin wrang wi that burd Lamont. She wis ay annoyin' as F**k, but ah never wance felt like gie'in her a doin'. That's how come ah kent she wusnay a real burd an that.

“Mind you, that wee tw*t Gordon missed a trick, eh. If that wis me, ah widnae huv run away fae a chance to show Johann the size ay ma expenses."

Director General of the now defunct Scottish Liberal Democratic party, oor Wullie Rennie said: “A doppleganger?... OK... Whit's that, then?... Oh right,” adding, “But hey, whit can you do, eh?”

Wee Jimmy Krankie was unavailable for comment.

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