By Dee Vine our Fashion Correspondent and Temporary Assistant Deputy Head of Bias

A commission appointed by the "leader" of the Scottish sub-group of the Labour Party, examining further powers for Labour controlled councils and (just maybe) the Scottish Parliament as well, has met for the first time - seven months after it was announced.

The commission, which is led by a little known MSP called Johann Lamont (Bunker North), and includes MPs, MEPs, union members and academic advisers, met in Glasgow earlier.

An insider told BBC Scotlandshire that the commission had been delayed while a final decision was made by Ed Balls on precisely how far to the right Scottish Labour was to settle.

When she announced the commission last March, Ms Lamont said that, central to the commission would be determining Labour's position on whether further powers, beyond Calman, should be transferred to the Scottish Parliament.

She also told the spring conference: "Devolution can't just mean powers going from London to Edinburgh but what powers does local government need". She also made it clear that some Scottish Executive powers may need to be returned to Westminster.

There is no indication of when Ms Lamont's commission might report.

The Prime Minister, Sir Alex Douglas "Home Rule" Cameron, has said he is open to looking at possibly considering the feasability of further devolution to Holyrood but only after the inevitable no vote in the Scottish government's proposed independence referendum which they hope to hold in the Autumn of 2014.

While the self-styled Scottish Labour leader had retreated to her bunker, Mrs McHeroin (14) said on her behalf : "I'm delighted that our dedicated group discussing where decision making power should lie in Scotland has started its work.

"For too long, the issue of constitutional change has been about the false choice offered by the SNP. Decision making isn't just a discussion about Holyrood and Westminster: it's about where power should best lie to ensure that decisions which affect our communities are made at the most appropriate level, which does mean thinking about our councils too.

"All parts of the Scottish Labour movement (that my man controls) will come together to ensure that we offer coherent and fit-for-purpose proposals to the Scottish people which meet their aspirations for Scotland."

However, the membership of the commission was roundly condemned by Labour council fundsperson, Mad Dog Shug McHeroin (43), who demanded that all its members should be from Glasgow and North Lanarkshire councils.

Mad Dog's spokestoady, Councillor Gordon Matheson (46), wore a strange combination of a vertically striped grey suit, with blue socks, yellow tie, and brown lace-up shoes, gave an exclusive interview to BBC Scotlandshire.

Questioned first, and most importantly, about his bizarre dress sense, Matheson said he was speaking "off the Record" [obviously, I thought, since I don't work for the Record] but that his shoes were not originally brown.

"They were black this morning, bit turnt brown, when Mad Dog telt me what he wid dae if I didnae succeed in getting a' power transferred tae the cooncils. Ah'd be fixed the same wye Jim fixed aw they lassies – but wi a crowbar."

My colleague from the Daily Record then intruded (holding a cloth over his nose) and asked Matheson how he was going to make sure that increased powers would only go to Labour, or Labour/Tory, or Labour/Lib Dem, or Labour/Independent controlled councils, and not SNP ones.

He explained that Mad Dog was unconcerned about what happened "in fu**kin teuchter land". Real democracy consisted of transferring power to the people. Labour originally represented the people – therefore, "wee arra people". All power should obviously lie with the self-selected Politburo in Glasgow, who would decide which other councils would be allowed to have their own policies.

"As Scotland's largest city, the fairest and most democratic system is for all cash, generously donated to Scotland from Westminster, to come first to us. We will then decide how much (if any) should go elsewhere. Those councils who see the benefits of having their services provided by Mad Dog will clearly recognise the benefits of using public monies wisely, and will be rewarded appropriately."

MP Ian Davidson, Chairman of the Select Committee for Approving Retributive English Measures On Nationalists Getting Everywhere – Rats, said. "Nae problem boys! Disnae matter a f**k whether the gravy train is here or there. We're oan it! Choo! Choo!"

Joanne Lamont was unavailable for comment (Did I say that already?)

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