Davidsons say Scots are SCUM

By Dee Vine, Fashion Correspondent and Temporary Assistant Deputy Head of Bias, following Brian Taylor's demotion

David-Cameron-and-RuthieAddressing the conference of the Party Advocating Tories Repatriating Our National Income (Scottish Income Normally Grabbed), Generally Insensitive Thames-based Swine, Davidson claimed that 90% of Scots were scroungers on the UK state, and wholly unable to run an ice-cream stall - much less a country.

Maitland Mackie (Lib-Dem) supported the view that he also was completely incapable of running an ice cream stall, due to his misfortune of having been born in Scotland. "No one would buy anything from Scotland" he said, adding "That's why I've destroyed the Mackies Ice Cream brand". Ratners gu brath!.

Davidson quoted official figures showing that only 283,080 households north of the border – 12 per cent of the total – pay more in tax than they receive in public services.

Blame was laid on Alex Salmond, the SNP First Minister for nurturing a "corrosive sense of entitlement" among voters that has prevented Davidson's party making a comeback in Scotland.

"It should be obvious that Scots are entitled to sod all", Davidson claimed, "since they don't pay any taxes and all revenues raised in Ultima Thule come from English oil, Anglian whisky, engineering, agriculture, and any other economic activity there".

Kenny Gibson, a Nationalist MSP (and thus making no valuable contribution to the discussion), described it as Davidson's "Mitt Romney moment". He added: "At least Mitt Romney only insulted around half of Americans, while Davidson believes almost 90 per cent of Scots do not 'contribute' to society."

Amazingly, the normally "on message" Daily Telegraph included in their report on Davidson's brilliant analysis that "According to the most recent figures, Scotland contributed 9.6 per cent of Britain's tax take and accounted for 9.3 per cent of public spending."

BBC Scotlandshire disputes such nonsense, as sources within the ONS (Opposition to Normal Statistics) said that their abacus made it clear that Scotland produced zero revenue to the Exchequer, once the adjustments required of them by "Better Together" were applied.

"Our abacus may have fewer balls than a eunuch" commented an ONS spokesman, "but we are confident that its calculations are accurate, as the Department for Transport borrowed it to do the calculations for the West Coast Rail contract."

ian-davidson-slabservativeFor the avoidance of any confusion as to which Davidson had made these comments, I contacted the office of Ian Davidson MP, ChairMAN of the Select Committee Affirming Perpetual England's Glorious Overlordship And Toryism.

He clarified the position eloquently. "Ye daft fu**ing bitch. That wisnae me, That wis ma wee niece Ruthie. Ye ken, the wan that fancies burds.

"Ah'm in charge ay SLUM – Scottish Labour and Unionist Mafia. She's SCUM – Scottish Conservative and Unionist Mafia. Mad Dog Shug McHeroin pays for us baith, but wur still totally separate mobs.

"Haud oan! I didnae say 'Separate', Hen. It's jist the SNP, an the Greens, an the SSP, an Solidarity that's Separate. Labour an the Tories ur no even a toty wee bit Separate. If youse print that I said we wur Separate, yur in fur a fu**ing doin!"

While Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment, a spokesflunkey suggested that her position was entirely consistent and in agreement with what Davidson had said "Whichever Davidson it was that said it, and whatever it was they said."


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