By Nat Hunter, Our Political Correspondent

The following is a transcript of a pre-interview conversation between Scottish Labour ‘leader’ Johann Lamont MSP and Brian Taylor, one-time head of Bias at BBC Scotlandshire and now political Editor for spoof channel ‘BBC in Scotland’.

Taylor: Ms Lamont, we have about 5 minutes free. Would you like a cup of tea or coffee while get set up for the interview?

Lamont: What I would like is the opportunity to choose between tea and coffee, and not the false choice with which I am being presented by the SNP.

Taylor: I’m only asking whether you would like a hot drink, while you wait.

Lamont: Well, something I have said many times in the past is that I have often said this. Choosing to have tea or not to have tea is based on an entirely false perspective. An independent Scotland would have neither tea nor coffee, as both are products of the British Empire, so the choice will not arise. A foreign Scotland separated from the bosom of Britain would only have water, with no energy to speak of, so no way to boil the kettle.

Taylor: I must press you to make a decision on this, Ms Lamont, we are running out of time.

Lamont: This a very important question, as it speaks to the very affordability of the SNP’s policies. I will need to await the report on the true cost of the various options, which will make very interesting reading, and then come to a judgment on the best way forward. Progressing the debate is the most important thing we can do as a party.

Taylor: If I understand what you are saying, then perhaps I should point out that the tea and the coffee are both complementary.

Lamont: Complementary: Surely the BBC in Scotlandshire cannot be the only ‘Something for Nothing’ culture in spoof broadcasting.

Taylor: It’s a simple choice between beverages, Ms Lamont. I must press you for a response.

Lamont: Aha!. The Beverage Report has already been published in 1942, and does nothing to clarify this issue. Plus, we know that the SNP will ignore the Beverage Report as it says that tea should be means tested and coffee should be available on prescription only, in case it is ever enjoyed by someone who can afford it. 

Taylor: I’m sorry, Johann, but there is no longer enough time for a drink. You are on air in 30 seconds.

Lamont: OK, I’ll have a nice cup of Ovaltine, then. I could really do with a nap after fielding all your tough questions, Brian.

Editor's Note

Ms Lamont seems to have mislaid her remembrance that the choice of Ovaltine was specifically excluded from the choice in Scotlandshire, at the insistence of the noble Unionist Alliance, in the Edinburgh Agreement.

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