Shock as Darling’s eyebrows back Yes vote
By Newt Reeno, Our Intergalactic Correspondent
Salmond accused of campaign saturation
The SNP was dealt a severe blow last night as yet another pro-separation group was revealed, causing severe congestion in the marketplace.
As covered by BBC Scotlandshire a fortnight ago, alien presence was discovered on Earth in the form of shape-shifting beings which had attached themselves to Alistair Darling, U-KOK head.
After days of silence on the matter from both Mr Darling and the Ministry of Defence, the beings came forward themselves and held a press conference yesterday.
“It has been concluded, therefore, that we can no longer remain in cahoots with U-KOK head humanoid Alistair Darling.
“His actions are dangerously volatile and we can no longer risk the status quo. It literally makes us feel queasy. Besides, he won’t last forever.”
The second being, I-Broo Twa, said: “After extensive research and re-evaluation of our mission here on Earth, we have decided to back a Yes vote in September 2014.
“You can find our reasoning in more detail on our ‘Eyebrows For Independence’ Facebook page.”
Unionist MSPs immediately raised an eyebrow at the news.
“This is a blow for the SNP, at a time when the separation campaign is falling apart,” said Conservative cheerleader in Scotlandshire Ruth Davidson. “Instead of portraying a united front, their campaign is being saturated and filtered out into ludicrous branches, such as Expats for Separation and Cats For Indy.
“Images of cute pussies are not going to get anyone to vote for separation. Not even me.”
Labour MSP Richard Baker agreed. “Alex Salmond is beyond a joke with this latest stunt. He cannot get real Scots to back him in his quest to destroy the UK, so he’s trying to cuddle up to anything that moves – dogs, cats, alien beings, whisky drinkers, the list goes on.
“This sort of nonsense is exactly why we don’t have to bother providing anybody with the positive case for the Union.”
Concerns were immediately raised over U-KOK head Alistair Darling, but fashion gurus based in Scotlandshire were quick to address fears.
Beauty expert Gawky Wan said: “Discovering the best shape for your eyebrows without sacrificing their natural appearance is what you want to accomplish when shaping your brows. Pencil thin or overly bushy eyebrows are dated looks that can be distracting rather than enhancing.
“Mr Darling has experienced rapid loss of eyebrow hair. Whenever that occurs, usually you would see a doctor to determine if an underlying medical condition has caused it. If the cause is simply aging, gently applying eyebrow cosmetics can help.
“If, however, alien shape-shifters have simply decided to stop living on your face, well then I’m not sure. Rogaine, perhaps?”
BBC Scotlandshire contacted several experts on extra-terrestrials but nobody would comment until more research was carried out on the alien beings.
Instead, we spoke to former FBI agent Fox Mulder, who worked in the Bureau’s so-called “X-File” division.
“These shape-shifters have most likely been around for many decades, I’ve seen them myself. A detailed and complex plan to fully invade Earth was carried out on December 22 last year at the end of the Mayan calendar cycle.
“I’m not surprised that they can manifest themselves into human eyebrows, but I also doubt they’ve been located there the entire time. Most likely they came to Earth in another form, shape-shifted into eyebrow form, before regularly flipping back and forth in order to gain the most out of their situation.
“It’s a puzzler, for sure, but while the truth is out there, it definitely works in mysterious ways.”
Mark McDonald, MSP for the separatists, said: “I’m delighted that at least a part of Alistair Darling has seen the light and decided to back the right horse. You can tell he’s confused about this issue every time he is interviewed.
“The eyebrows are first…hopefully the brain follows.”
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