By Nat Hunter our Political Correspondent

Ed Balls has unveiled the new national “one nation” flag which will replace the 'Butcher's Apron' when Labour win the General election in May 2015.

The news followed Ed Miliband's “one nation” speech to conference in which he announced that Britain is to become “one nation”, a phrase which he used over 40 times during his address to the “one nation”.

From 2015, the Nations of England, Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotlandshire will be combined into a single, “one nation” Britain, leading to the abolition of the devolved parliaments in favour of the Westminster “one nation”.parliament. This will greatly simplify administration and ease the burden of government.

According to Miliband, “Devolution has not been working out lately. Scotlandshire in particular has been an embarrassment with all their "freebies" and “something for nothing” policies. It is becoming very difficult to argue that university fees in England really, really need to treble 'because there is no alternative', when the Welsh  pay half the costs for their students and the Scotch give theirs a world-class education for nothing.

“As the Clan chief of Scotlandshire, Joe-Anne La Mont said this very morning, 'it is as if the SNP are quite deliberately and unashamedly doing a far better job of government than anybody else, just to make the rest of Britain resent them, and make the other parlys look bad, and that is clearly not fair to the voters of England'. So we have decided to take action and bring all decision making in the new “one nation” back to it's natural home – London, the great capital city of our “one nation”.”

Ed Balls MP spoke to a BBC Scotlandshire reporter after giving his keynote speech earlier today: “We felt needed a new kind of flag to represent our new "one nation", and here it is,” he smarmed.

“You will notice that Northern Ireland has completely disappeared – those orange guys don't care who is running the country as long as he is a unionist and a prod – so there is no reason to bother with them at all. We did need to explain that although Ed is an atheist, he's kind of a Protestant atheist, and he's definately not a Catholic atheist, even though he's Belgian.

“Scotlandshire has been mainly faded out of the flag, so that the Saltire is barely noticeable. And that's exactly what we are planning to do with the whole place, so it's really quite appropriate. The Scotch have been getting a bit chippy of late, and we are keen to stamp this out. So they've been relegated to one fairly unimportant, but strategic corner of the flag where they can moan and groan to their hearts' content.

“Finally, the wonderful cross of St. George can now achieve it's full well-deserved dominance. Front and centre in a pure, vibrant red – not since the crusades has it been so proudly displayed. We, the English, are 90% of the people of the “one nation”, so it is only right that we should claim 90% of the new national flag (and the oil).”

New-media guru, son of Rolf and Anita and self-proclaimed founder of MENSA, Tom Harris MP, tweeted on the subject:

“That's one in the eye for Alex. Our new flag will make him see red. LOL. Can't wait. #ImSoFunny #AndCleverToo #InABrilliantlyIronicSortOfWay”

Fashion editor Dee Vine caught up with the chairman of the committee on Scottish Affairs and Defence of the National Unionist Tribunal for Taking Everything Rightfully Scottish (SAD-NUTTERS), Ian Davidson MP, who shouted:

“Auld Ed Feel-ma-baws is talkin' though a hole in his heid. They buggers huv never designed a new flag in their puff.

"They turnt roond an did whit they eiways dae. They just stole the f**ker aff the Tories, like everthin' else, and then chinged just enough ay it tae keep fae getting' a right doin' in the courts.

"Did youse no clock that wur no lookin' fur ony MSP weans fur ur Future Candidates Programme? That's 'cause thon wee pretendy Scoatish parly's gonnay be the furst yin tae get the chop when we get back in doon here."

“Now f**k off an gie me peace before ye get yersel Joyced, Hen,” he added, helpfully.

Wee Wullie Rennie, Most High Panjandrum of the now-defunct Scottish Lib Dems, said: “Ah dunno. Ah quite liked the old Union Jack,” adding, “But hey, what can ye do, eh.”

Current leader of Labour in Scotland Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment.

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