Humiliating U-turn by Salmond threatens time itself

 By Jed Hynite, Our Science and Difficult Things Correspondent

cox timeThe Scottish Government have been forced into a humiliating climbdown and have named Thursday, 18th September 2014 as the date for the referendum on separation by Scotlandshire.

Legal assistant and Labour blogger Ian Smart, however, remains unconvinced that the referendum will ever be held. "Everyone knows Salmond doesn't really want it to be held", he wrote.

"We all know Wee Eck is lining up the excuses to kill this referendum stone dead. He's even roped in Tavish Scott to help him out with an invasion of Scotlandshire by marauding Shetlanders sometime in the summer of 2014.

"Hoist by his own petard of constantly saying he wanted a referendum, the poor bloke has been forced to pretend that he's still going to hold it and to reveal a date he was desperate to keep secret until after the referendum so that, if he was forced to hold it, everyone would miss it

"The separatists' alternate plan had been to keep the date secret until the week before the referendum, in order to gain an unfair, shameless, unscrupulous, criminal, discreditable, discriminatory, inequitable, vicious and plain crooked advantage.

"While the Scotland Act states that 'the calendar and units of time' are reserved matters, 'the computation of periods of time' is within the power of the Scottish Parliament. I fully expect Salmond to change the computation of time on 18th September 2014 so that the polls close before they open.

"Salmond will not hesitate to warp the very fabric of space and time in order to get his way."

Professor Brian Cox said that the potential consequences of such a move were unpredictable. "It very much depends on the theoretical model of time that you use", he said. On the back of an envelope, he did some quick calculations.

equation

"Einstein's equations predict that time should be altered by the presence of gravitational fields, and Salmond certainly has sufficient mass for that.

"Indeed that could well explain why Scotlandshire has progressed so rapidly while, under Unionist control, the other parts of the UK have regressed towards the 19th century. If Salmond pulled off this stunt, then it could make the UK more united, by reversing time and dragging Scotlandshire back to Victorian values.

schrdinger equation"On the other hand, quantum mechanics would require the application of the uncertainty principle. It could be that Scotlandshire suddenly loses its suffix, and finds itself in a continuum where it had the sense to vote for independence in the 1970s and establish an oil fund.

"Of course, it could find itself somewhere in the Horse's Ass Nebula, where Ian Smart, at least, will find himself at home."

dali salmondA spokesman for "Physicists for protecting our funding, because we read a story somewhere that a separate Scotlandshire would be just as unable to fund our research as the UK is, since the resources of an entire continent are needed just to buy my lunch" said, "We've been told that Scotlandshire's population is 'ageing faster' than the rest of the UK as that has, erm... something to do with Einstein's relativity. If you're moving at a faster speed, you age slightly slower and if time speeds up you age quicker, or something. Blair [1] McDougall will tell you what we think."

A spokesperson for Labour in Scotlandshire said, "Does that mean that Johann will need to buy a digital sundial? Will that work in the bunker?"

Professor Tom Devine noted, "On 18th September 1939, the Nazi propaganda radio programme Germany Calling, with a host nicknamed "Lord Haw-Haw", began broadcasting to audiences in the United Kingdom and the United States. 

"Clearly, Salmond intends this as a deliberate attack on BBC Scotlandshire."

[1]  U-KOK have determined that the name of the former PM and noble invader of Iraq is copyright, and cannot be used by anyone outwith the Better Together campaign. Someone by the name of Jenkins must now use the first name of "Traitor to the Empire".


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