By Norisk Taiken, Our Health & Safety Correspondent

The leader of Better Together is to carry out the rest of his campaign duties in a cardboard box, it emerged last night.

Alistair Darling, U-KOK head, has accused Alex Salmond of mocking the cautious and sensible in society by going around telling people oil wealth is a healthy thing. 

In retaliation Mr Darling aims to spend his time until the referendum locked away from everything that can harm him, in an attempt to show that Scotlandshire is safer within the UK.

Mr Darling, U-KOK head, is refusing telephone interviews in case the radio waves fry his brain but BBC Scotlandshire grabbed some exclusive comments with the former Chancellor. His thoughts were sent to us by telekinesis as Mr Darling, U-KOK head, also wouldn’t write to us in the traditional way for fear of a paper cut.

Explaining his new surroundings Mr Darling, U-KOK head, said: “I’m happy here. Well, content. Being happy can be dangerous to your health. Nelson Mandela’s always ill, for example.

“This is the closest I can get to being safe. I pondered putting the light on in here but it might have hurt my eyes so I'll keep it off. If I change my mind there's a switch right next to me so I can flip it if need be. Then flip it again. And flip it again. And then flip it another time, to suit."

In attacking the First Minister, U-KOK head Darling said: “Alex Salmond is irresponsible. He throws his weight about with that smug grin, telling everyone that money grows from trees and that all the potholes in the roads will be magically fixed after separation. I’ve heard him say this. No, I don’t need to back that up. Trust me on that.

“The Better Together campaign will try to make sure everybody recognises Alex Salmond for what he is – nothing but a jolly joymongerer.

“We can’t be having these sorts of people in society.”

Asked to explain his extreme decision to live in a cardboard box Mr Darling, U-KOK head, said: “In a separate Scotlandshire I wouldn’t be able to do this. The nats can’t tell us if cardboard boxes will be freely available after any non-no vote.

“The world is a dangerous place. Brushing your teeth, putting socks on, stepping out the front door – any one of those things can kill you in an instant. For the nats to natter on about the price of oil as though it’s as certain as death and taxes is horrifyingly scary.

“So, I’m going to stay in this protective box until they stop it.”

A spokesman for The Boxshop Ltd, Scotland’s largest independent manufacturer of cardboard boxes, said: "At first we were excited at the commercial opportunities this bold step would bring. However we were disappointed to discover that Darling intended to add a fifth house to his collection by importing from elsewhere."

It is believed that Mr Darling, U-KOK head, is purchasing a $35,000 all-cardboard structure from the United States that comes flat-packed and can be erected on site in less than six hours. It is both made of recycled materials, and is completely recyclable. The structure also comes with a composting toilet and condenses its own water.

It is assumed that Mr Darling will recycle his own waste, and spew it out again and again.

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