By Yosuf Bin Telt our Middle-East Corespondent

Labour leader Ed Miliband has conceded that the Scottish people will “probably win” their referendum to separate off from Great Britain, leaving all of us to suffer the unthinkable consequences.

He told delegates who were attending the traditional 'Hoots mon, how's yer sporran danglin night' at the Labour party conference in Manchester how he was terrified by the prospect of separation, and was finding it hard to sleep.

He said: “Alisdair Darling will do every bit as wonderful a job running the 'dinnae' campaign (is that how you say it?) as he did running the economy and regulating the banks.

But leadership is not enough. In fact, I personally have never considered it very important at all.

“Let's face it, only Scottish Labour can win this battle. No voter in Scotland is going to take my advice on their constitutional future. My father, Hercule Poirot, has spent too much in school fees teaching me - and I have spent far too much effort practicing - how to appear just like a posh English gentleman.

So the knife will need to come from people the Scotch think of as their friends and neighbours. People who speak like them. People they trust. People who know what's good for them.

And we will back up your efforts unstintingly.

“I don't think solidarity stops at the border, well maybe the one at Dover, but definitely not the Gretna one. Obviously we English need to keep the English ones closed to stop any more Belgians getting in and taking our English jobs and sleeping with our English women. What's that?...

“Oh, and don't worry about funding. We may be fronting the 'gonnae no' campaign (gone nay no?? OK), but there are many people and institutions across the City of London, only too happy to contribute to our great cause. They will ensure, through our friends in the Conservative party, that every effort is made, no matter the cost, to stop the Scotch from having even a sniff of separation, never mind getting their hands on our oil.

“I will expect, however, that you give all of your support to the supremely goddess-like leader of the Scottish party, Johann um...Lampost, who is doing a fantastic job of following orders. I agree with everything she said in her speech last week, - I should do, it was Ed Ballsup and me that wrote it (pause for laugh). She has shown excellent leadership in starting the debate in Scotlandshire, (pause)... mine (await nervous laughter and applause).

“The “freebie” policies of the Scottish Government are an embarrassment to us in England as they point out that there really are choices to be made, just when we are at pains to tell everyone there are none.

That free prescription thing is most unhelpful as we are trying to help the English NHS privatisation through just now. And those free university places are causing us no end of trouble.

“These 'something for nothing' giveaways must stop. It is vital that Scotland looks exactly the same as England if we are to have any credibility in Surrey or Essex in 2015. And that is what we need to focus on now. We need to make difficult decisions, and sell them to the voters, and we can't have much better decisions being made in Scotlandshire, and showing us up.

“We, along with our partners in the coalition, are going to be cutting your budget by much, much more in the next few years and we don't want the Scotch thinking they would be better off running their own affairs. The only way to stop this is to be relentlessly negative and frighten people into passivity. And this is what we are telling you to do.

“I have come a long way North to this great city of Manchester to show my empathy with the people of Scotlandshire. Let us ensure that this is the last time any of us does that again.”

Tom Harris MP, hiding in a conference centre toilet block with his blackberry, tweeted about the speech:

“That's one in the eye for Salmond! Now I can keep some Scots in my garden in London. Like pets. For my amusement. #AllToriesTogether #JobDone”

Chairman of the Scottish Affairs committee on Establishing an English Joint Iintelligence Taskforce for Scotland (EEJITS) Ian Davidson MP, speaking from a handy lap-dancing bar in Manchester's Canal Street, said:

“Wee Ed's goat it just right. They Scots bastirts ul take a right loan ay ye if ye let thum. Ye huv tae keep them in their place. Ahm pure seek ay thum showin us up to be the same as the f**kin' Tories. Naebody's supposed tay ken that. It's aboot time we went aw Eric Joyce oan them.”

“Now f**k off. Ah've payed for this dance an ahm huvvin it. Well OK, you aw paid fur it – but it's the same f**kin' thing,” he added.

“Fantastic” Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment.

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