Warning for SNP over renewable energy
The SNP has been warned by a leading scientist that Scotlandshire will not be able to rely on renewable energy indefinitely. “The wind will not always blow; the sun will not always shine,” said Alistair Darling.
The warning came after the failed, lefty, US presidential hopeful Al Gore came to Scotlandshire to speak about green finance and other worthy tree-hugging rubbish of the kind he claims Scotlandshire "leads the world in" under the idealistic separatists.
Labour MSP Richard Baker cautioned against such sunny optimism: "The sun is known to be especially unreliable in Scotlandshire. During some part of each day it disappears, just when you need the 'leckie to watch Jackie Bird dissing the Nats.
“Some days it simply isn’t there”, he said “It disappears, to be replaced by thick cloud, and we in Scottish Labour do not properly understand where it goes."
In creating its predictions for potential solar energy, it is believed the SNP used Met office averages over the past ten years, calculating the average number of days the sun appears in an average year.
However BBC Scotlandshire spoke to Ian McEwan, Booker prize-winning author of the book “Solar”, a fictional story of solar energy. And he revealed exclusively to us that in some years it is far less sunny than “average”.
During the medieval period and lasting until around the 18th century, for example, there was a little ice age in which ice encroached over the northern hemisphere and the Thames froze over.
Scientist Brian Cox also backed up the Better Together claims further warning “Actually we know the sun won’t always shine. Some day, albeit far into the future, it will swell into a red giant, engulfing the earth and frazzling it to a crisp, before becoming a white dwarf – much like the transformation of Labour in Scotland recently, if you want an earth-bound metaphor - and Salmond will find that the rocks have melted wi the sun!”
He later confirmed to BBC Scotlandshire that this “white dwarf” will be of “sod all” use as a renewable source of energy for human beings at this point; primarily because we'll all be long dead. Yet Alex Salmond is relying on this firey ball as a key plank of economic policy in a separate Scotlandshire!
John Hayes, Conservative MP for South Holland and The Deepings and UK Minister of State for Energy said, "You cant rely on renewables you silly little jocks. Sunspots will cause the wind to stop for 40 years and then where will you be???? Huh??? I'll tell you... you'll be huddling up next to England's Nuclear Reactors for warmth, begging us to send Trident back to the Clyde in the hope a small nuclear accident might provide some energy!"
Ruth Davidson, one of Labour in Scotlandshire's top spokespersons, pointed out that "Mrs Thatcher wisely stopped the Coal Barons before they could strip us of our resources in preparation for this day. We should be eternally grateful for the closing of the pits so that when the oil is gone and the wind won't blow we will still have King Coal to fall back on - and a lovely supply of work experience miners, or at least minors, as we get those workshy scrounging children back to work."
The devastating news will come as a huge blow to the SNP's campaign for separation. However there is likely to be even worse news for John Swinney as TOP SECRET, leaked footage is due to be released on YouTube. It is believed to show him involved in a game of Trivial Pursuits and clearly shows that, secretly, he does know the sun will not last forever, but has been hiding this truth from the Scottish public.
Speaking on Reporting Scotlandshire Blair McDougall blasted this secrecy. “If John Swinney knows the sun won't shine eternally but will burn us all to a crisp eventually before dying out, the people of Scotlandshire deserve to be informed of this by SNP. We should not have to find out such shocking news from grainy footage of a private family game of Trivial Pursuits, secretly filmed by our spies in Scotlandshire.”
Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Select Committee of Brave Unionists Repelling Nationalist Yahoos And Blasting All Scottish Separatists grumbled, "It's nae fair! The sun shines oot o ma arse, bit naebody pays ony heed tae whit ah say noo."
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