Cameron announces 'increased aid' for an independent Scotlandshire

By Givem L Sergeant, Our Defence Correspondent

dad-armyProtector of the UK Home Front, David Cameron, has announced a major shift in Westminster policy should Scotlandshire be so foolish as to vote for separation. "If the people of Scotlandshire do decide to take this step", he announced, " it will be in our national interest to ensure that we don't have a 'broken and fragile' state on our northern border.

"It is well known that oil rich countries are frequently unstable, often because we have helped to make them so, but in this case we will do everything to ensure a smooth transition from an extinguished country to an independent colony."

He continued, "As we keep telling people, Scotlandshire could stand on it's own without the huge subsidies that the scroungers good people there receive through our magnanimity. It's just that they would have living standards equivalent to Burkino Faso. To avoid such a catastrophic collapse of their economy, and the consequent civil unrest as John Swinney struggles to balance a budget equivalent to three macaroon bars, we will guarantee that our aid budget to Scotlandshire will exceed their current subsidy level."

Butcher HagueSergeant Osborne added, "In these difficult times, with rationing of resources so tight, there is a need for the command structure to be reduced. We are, therefore, combining several units of the bank into a single delivery service. The Department for International Development, the Foreign Office and the Ministry of Defence will be merged to form a single lean, mean fighting machine under the control of Corporal Butcher Hague."

"My plan", commented Hague, "is really rather simple, as you would expect from me. I intend to massively increase the UK's aid budget by adding the total Defence Budget to it.

"In the event of Scotlandshire seceding, then the 1st (UK) Armoured Aid Division will be recalled from Germany, who no longer need our aid, and stationed to protect all the onshore oil installations. The Royal Aid Navy and the Special Boat Aid Service will take control of all offshore oil fields to ensure that Scotlandshire gets exactly the same revenue flow from the North Sea as it has had in the past.

"Most of the 3rd UK Aid Division will seal off the UK enclave of Glasgow and the Clyde Estuary, to avoid any risk of nuclear materials falling into the hands of the terrorists. Meanwhile, the Light Brigaid will be held in reserve so that they can be sent to ride pointlessly up a glen into the face of the guns of the Tartan Army - except, of course, for the Black Watch who will be sent to deliver aid to the Welsh in case they get any stupid ideas of seceding as well."

US Ambassador, Louis Susman said, "We will watch it and we won't take sides. We are neutral and we will just have to see what will happen. However, if the UK Government puts at risk one drop of the Scotch available to the American market, we will take a different view."

Warden Hodges

Angus Robertson, Scotlandshire's Warden of the Sink Ports (and associated overflow plumbing), seemed less than overjoyed at this demonstration of Westminster's immense generosity. "The Home Counties Old Guard never change their spots (or their socks)", he complained.

"Just as in Calgacus' time, the invaders make a dessert, and they call it a piece. Scots won't believe this jam tomorrow story ever again. Westminster has refused to give Scotlandshire it's fair allocation of the military aid budget in the past, and they're not going to do it now.

"In any case", he continued,"by 2016, London will be wholly reliant for its energy on Scottish and Irish resources. Their entire military aid and governmental machine will be brought to a shuddering halt by one single order from me - PUT THOSE LIGHTS OUT!"

Robertson also revealed the existence of an auxiliary defence force in the form of Keith Brown MSP.

"Mr. Brown goes off to town
On the 8:21.
But he comes home each evening
And he's ready with his gun."

Private Ian Davidson (MP, part time doomsayer and recently elevated to Chair of the NAAFI Committee for Delivering Obvious Oleaginous Messages) was overheard to mutter, "Oany mair o that oot o ye, an ye'll get a doin wi a bayonet." It was unclear to whom, if anyone, the remark was addressed, or whether it was just random raving.

Johann Lamont apologised to Hague that her bunker and tunnel network would be unavailable as a Unionist Underground, as MacChuckemup had sub-contracted the work to Pike, and his Mum wouldn't let him get dirty.


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