By Candida Ricketts, Our Medical Correspondent

UK Lib Dem leaders "are displaying classic signs of cognitive dissonance", says leading Vienna psychiatrist, Dr Naemuch Kayring. "This is a distressing condition where sufferers are unable to resolve the obvious contradictions between their belief systems and reality. It was first identified by 19th century Glasgow physicians who used the term 'Affthurfuckinheid Syndrome' to describe it."

"In its terminal stages, even perceptions of physical attributes can be dissonant", continued Kayring, "For example, patients may think of themselves as tall, slim, handsome and svelte, when in reality they are short, fat and scruffy. Michael Moore is a classic example of that.

Kayring continued, "There can be no doubt that Moore is rushing rapidly to his demise. He has now progressed to the point where there is not only dissonance between his fevered imaginings and reality, but he now demonstrates internal dissonance as well - rather a rare condition.

"Last Monday for example he was loudly declaiming that Scotlandshire had been extinguished in 1707, and England would automatically be the successor state to the UK. By Wednesday, he had completely forgotten that and was expressing fears to the Chairchoob's Committee that the world would come to an end with Scottish independence and 'People in the rest of the world might wonder at losing a member of the Security Council, a nuclear weapons state being turfed out of the Non-Proliferation Treaty and those weapons not governed by its very strict requirements.'

"Even as a single statement that is dissonant with itself. Sad"

Kayring's colleague, and co-author of their seminal work "Politicians? What a bunch of Tossers", Dr Nivver Haeaguidwurd, enthusiastically agreed. "Most politicians in most countries are what we academics technically categorise as 'arseholes'. However, the UK Lib Dems now top the international league table for shite production", she said.

"Most of them will avoid answering a direct question, by steering their response onto an aspect of the question that they know something about. Then there's Nick Clegg.

"What a wanker! It's bad enough that he wants to exponentially increase the number of Lords so that by the end of a Parliament, the party representation will match that of the General Election 5 years earlier, but his cognitive dissonance meant that he hadn't considered how that would affect the next Parliament, if one party was effectively wiped out in the Commons - like the Lib Dems will clearly be. Just how many thousands of extra peers would need to be created to reduce the LD representation to the appropriate level? The alternative, of course, would be to cull the surplus, as we do with deer or seals.

"When Angus MacNeil MP delicately raised this dissonance problem, Clegg went f**king bananas! “The only thing that is going to be annihilated is the argument for independence for Scotland", he screamed. There's cognitive dissonance, and then there's paranoid schizophrenia. This guy needs urgent containment in a secure medical facility."

Head of Psychiatric Services for NHS Scotland, Dr Neil Doon said, "When we were alerted by Kayring and Haeaguidwurd of their research, we immediately conducted clinical testing of Lib Dems at Holyrood. I am glad to be able to tell you that no cognitive dissonance was found among Lib Dem MSPs. That condition requires brain activity of some kind, and we could find no trace of such activity among them.

"I can't comment on the brain condition of MPs at Westminster. That is a matter for NHS England - or rather the private company that they have brought in to provide these services."

BBC Scotlandshire requested an interview with the Psychiatric Director of that company - MacChuckemup Medics for Dafties (England) Inc. However, the company said that he was not available for comment, and that any further enquiry would result in our reporter's corpse being found floating in the Thames.

Ian Davidson MP, Chair of the Select Committee promoting London Overlord Obliterating Nationalist Yokels, gave a carefully balanced statement. "Hi,Hi, aye you! DRINK, DRINK, FECK, ARSE, GIRLS!"

His niece, Ruth, said she was embarassed by him, and hoped the condition wasn't hereditary.

Johann Lamont's nurse said that his patient would not be "well enough to make a coherent statement for some months - if ever."

A spokesgrunt for the Sunday Mail declined to comment. "Given that we have confined our editor to a Russian asylum following yesterday's editorial breakdown, a comment on this issue would be inappropriate."

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