From our London Fashion Correspondent Withered Vine

Across North Britain, the fight to prevent "Scotlandshire" being any different from "England" is gaining ground. In North Ayrshire, Provost Joan Sturgeon (progenitor of separatist fanatic Nicola) and her team have been humiliated by the doughty alliance of conservatives.

As still happens in Scotlandshire, conservatives adopt different party labels. In North Ayrshire eleven still use the archaic "Labour", one uses the more appropriate "Conservative and Unionist" while several adopt the "Independent" designation – some in an amusingly post-modernist ironic fashion.

The six "Independents" are further sub-divided into three political groups, as North Britons are notoriously unwilling to co-operate with each other when dealing with Scotch issues.

There is a place in North Ayrshire called Hunterston (sic). Surprisingly, no hunting takes place there – except of the Natz (as they are comically termed) of course! – but it does have a couple of old nuclear power stations. The first of these was sensibly located there in 1957 to avoid risking important centres of population. The second station is due to be decommissioned in 2016 –a potential threat to the power supply for my air conditioning.

Apparently the Natz are disinclined to continue hosting nuclear power stations for our mutual benefit, but the conservative alliance of "Labour", "Conservative and Unionist" and half of the "Independents" outvoted them and insisted that the Council write a letter to the executive of the Scottish Assembly asking that nuclear generation of electricity should be presumed to continue at Hunterston.

I managed to communicate with Nat councillor Matthew Brown (dressed in an immaculately tailored suit, and a tasteful pastel tie). I was surprised to discover that he is a University graduate (though not Oxbridge) and lawyer and thus capable of reasonably intelligible speech.

However, his explanation that "no energy company had any plans to build a new nuclear station at Hunterston" seemed a weak reason for not assuming that one of our companies might not find it an ideal location for our needs.

His real motivation was revealed when he continued "Japan has taken the decision to close all of its nuclear plants, and Germany is closing theirs as fast as they can."

I then understood why the term "Natz" was so accurately used for them, and why they had chosen 2014 as the date for their attempt to rip Britain apart.

Not only was Brown openly supporting the stance of countries that we had fought together to defeat, but 2014 is the 100th anniversary of the start of World War I, when we fought to defend the British Empire against the Germans, and also the 75th anniversary of the start of World War II. I would not be at all surprised to find that he had supported Germany when we gloriously defeated them for the third time in 1966.

To get a wider view of the political situation in North Britain, I spoke to Ian Davidson, Chairman of the Select Committee Upholding Maggie's British Attacks on Greedy Scots. Unfortunately, I found his coarse dialect rather incomprehensible. The term "doin" seemed to predominate, but I have been unable to find a translation of this.

When I contacted the office of the leader of the largest Conservative and Unionist grouping in North Britain, there was only a recorded message that "Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment".

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