Alex Salmond accused of creating “parallel universe”

By Emmet Broon, Our Time and Motion Correspondent

Demands for probe into possible quantum paradox across English border

parallel universe

The Scottish Government was plunged into crisis last night when it emerged that a rift in the space-time continuum directly affected David Cameron.

The Prime Minister, who was travelling by train from London to Edinburgh to deliver a speech on Scotlandshire in the UK, was discussing the status of so-called “Broken Britain” with journalists.

Aaron Source, one of the reporters on the journey, said: “The Prime Minister was in good spirits, but deep in conversation with us and it was clear he was still very concerned about British society.

“He pledged to heal what he called Britain’s broken society by rebuilding the economy so that children aren’t saddled with debt for decades to come.”

The rant was fairly typical for Mr Cameron, said another reporter. “They were the same lines he had given in speeches across England every year since 2006,” said Ann Insider. “He put across what he called sick behaviour and the need for continuous review of British society, and he referenced the riots of 2011."

Journalists noticed something had gone terribly wrong as the train passed from Northumberland into the Scottish Borders.

Lifestyle writer Nicole Information said: “There wasn’t so much a bang or a flash, or even a pop. The Prime Minister just…changed.

“Out of nowhere, with no rhyme or reason, Mr Cameron went insane,” continued Ms Information. “He said ‘Put simply, Britain works well. Why break it?’ and we couldn’t believe what we were hearing.

“Whatever it was, it was only temporary as he seemed completely fine two hours later when he got the first train back out of Scotlandshire.”

As news of the incident emerged, fingers were immediately pointed at the SNP who were accused of being “asleep on the job”.

“The whole country is shocked by what has happened,” said UK Science Minister David Willetts. “None more so than me, because now I have to talk nationally about science which I know nothing about.

“While tests at the border are on-going, it is clear that the Scottish government caused the Prime Minister to act in this way due to their irresponsible policies of free education, free prescriptions and free bus passes for the elderly.

“If the SNP did their job properly and followed in the glorious footsteps of our ancient yet modern democratic UK government, the Prime Minister wouldn’t have been caught talking utter horsemeat on his travels.”

brian cox_profbobservantProfessor Brian Cox of Manchester University was clearly excited by the prospect of a rift in spacetime appearing along the Scottish and English border. He enthused:

“The singularity seems to result from positive charm from Yes Scotland meeting strange dark matter drifting up from London. It is the negative spin of these 'Oh my God' particles - produced by the bosons in the No camp - that is causing the discontinuity at the border.

“I crossed the border myself to observe the phenomenon and, as soon as I had entered Scotlandshire, I found myself starring in a satirical comedy show about an independent candidate. And I grew a moustache.”

The chairman of Better Together, Alistair Darling, issued a statement from his private jet while travelling from Home 2 to Home 4.

“Today’s confirmation that Alex Salmond has set up a black hole of sorts across the border is yet another positive reason for the Union remaining as it is.

“The Scottish Government does not have the power to control science, or indeed outer space or wherever this parallel universe is officially situated.

“This incident cements the idea that we in the UK are stronger together, safer together and richer together,” concluded Mr Darling, whose media commitments later in the day involved attacking the UK government for ruining the strength, safety and wealth of the economy.

Theresa May, UK Homes and Gardens Secretary, expressed her regret at Cameron's safe return. "Had he suffered an irretrievable breakdown, I would have ensured that My Government sealed the border with Scotlandshire - regardless of the result in 2014."


Historian Tom Devine observed, "These temporal effects are inevitable, when a country that thought it existed, suddenly finds out it was extinguished over 300 years ago. We are likely to see other manifestations like dinosaurs roaming the land."

Anas Sarwar, the Deputy Leader of Labour in Scotlandshire, said the incident amounted to a “massive blow” to Alex Salmond.

“This isn’t the first time this has happened, as much as the one-man dictatorship wants to conceal it. In fact every time I go across the border to Westminster I’ve been found to make no sense whatsoever.

“It quite often happens when I come back up to Scotlandshire too. This is a massive blow and proof Alex Salmond lives in a parallel universe. They probably don’t even have the BBC there.”

A spokesthug for Johann Lamont's security detail, MacChuckemup Protection (Chibs & Razors) said, "Johann had asked that the Dear Leader journey down her black hole. That's why we built the communicating tunnel network to London, so that nothing warped would happen."


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