By Nat Hunter, Our Political Correspondent

BBC Scotlandshire regrets to announce the premature political death of William Cowan "Wee Wullie" Rennie (1967 - 2013).

In a seies of dramatic acts of sacrifice, Wullie publicly self-destructed on television in order to draw attention to the likely fate of all loyal Brits in a separate Scotlandshire.

Wullie was a keen Liberal Democrat, delighting in the irony that he was neither. Impressed by his eagerness to please, but embarrassed by his arse-licking, Scottish Liberal leaders found him a job with the party - in Cornwall.

When the Cornish performed an extraordinary rendition on Wullie and sent him back to Scotlandshire, SLD leaders went to extraordinary lengths to bury him in total obscurity. This was achieved in 2006, when they managed to have him elected as a Westminster MP at a by-election in Dunfermline.

Forced to find another role for him when he was chucked out, the leadership locked him away on the regional candidate list for Mid Scotland and Fife. With Fife North East being a safe LD seat, that guaranteed there would be no List seat for the LDs, and Wullie would remain obscure.

In his autobiography "My Life on the Buses", Wullie said "Despite the overall collapse of the party in the election I managed to be elected as an additional member for the Mid Scotland and Fife region with 5.9% of the vote". This was, of course, a typo. It should have read "Because of the overall collapse of the party". The loss of every mainland constituency in 2011, meant that inappropriate people on the list got elected - that included Wullie.

When former leader Tavish Scott fell on his battleaxe, only Wullie volunteered to be the mouth of the party in future. In his media performances Wullie has lived up to that challenge and been all mouth.

As a passionate supporter of his career, Wullie was prepared to trim his position on occasion. Having slapped down Martin Syme of SCVO last year as an "SNP stooge" for daring to suggest that the so called "Devo Max" should be considered, Wullie then became an advocate of a federal structure for the UK.

Coincidentally, this ocurred following U-KOK's successful scuppering of any opportunity for Scots to select that.

Fired by his new found commitment to dependency, Wullie donned a suicide vest packed with explosive and inflammatory statements drawn from Q division of the U-KOK armoury. Q division specialises in producing WMD (Waffle, Mystical, Disingenuous) arguments, that no sane person would deploy. Thus armed, he set out on a round of television interviews.

Fortunately for staff at BBC Scotlandshire, our security guards identified him as a dangerous extremist, and redirected him to the spoof channel at the other quay. There, he detonated his first charge - that Westminster was good for Scotland because their Bedroom Tax would help the poor into gainful employment, instead of scrounging off the state.

“Actually it’s difficult for people who are trying to get into work if they’ve got the burden of having to pay for a house they can’t really afford", he said, "it makes it much more difficult – they’re going to have to earn more to make work pay. What we’re trying to do here is improve social mobility, so that people can get into work. This prevents them, and that’s why we need to take action.”

Raising the explosive level of his statements, Wullie revealed that "the SNP favour independence". Strangely, the explosive nature of this failed to materialise, and was declared to be "not even a fart."

He then exploded his most explosive charge - that independence would demand paperwork. "The SNP have hopelessly underestimated the scale and complexity of this", he alleged, " they would have to negotiate over 14,000 international treaties, a currency, the division of assets, membership of Nato and the host of international organisations."

This should have completely destroyed the separatist campaign, but was unfortunately diverted by a separatist journalist who did that research thingie that Natz do. We tried that ourselves a couple of times, but preferred to stick to the BBC mantra - Bias, Bile, Contempt.

Rev Stu suggested that renegotiating the "Convention of Commerce and Navigation between Great Britain, on the one part, and Prussia, Bavaria, Saxony, Wurtemburg, Baden, the Electorate of Hesse, the Grand Duchy of Hesse, the States forming the Customs and Commercial Union of Thuringia, Nassau, and Frankfort, on the other part (2 March 1841)" or the "Treaty between Great Britain, Austria, Belgium, France, Hanover, Mecklenburg-Schwerin, Oldenburg, Netherlands, Prussia, Russia, Sweden and Norway, and the Hanse Towns, on the one part, and Denmark, on the other part, for the Redemption of the Sound Dues (14 March 1857)" or most of the rest of the 14,000 treaties, might not take much time to renegotiate.

Alas, poor Wullie, when his interventions became so bizarre as to embarrass even the No campaign, he was left with no alternative but to disappear up his own arse.

Senior politicians were asked to comment on Wullie's career, but we were met with a collective "Who?".

Related Articles

BBC in Scotland : Sunday Politics Scotlandshire 3/2/13 at 52:11

Mail Online : Scottish government publishes timetable for independence if public votes 'yes' in autumn 2014 referendum 

Wings Over Scotland(shire) : A little less conversation

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