Microsoft to be overrun with Cybernats

By Ian Backbone, Our Cybercrime and Online Terror Correspondent

microsoft-ces-boothComputer giant Microsoft has been duped into an agreement with the Scotlandshire Government to train 2,000 new Cybernats. Industry analysts predict a dire future for computing and the entire Internet.

The US firm will unknowingly take on rabid Natz recruits aged 16 to 24 over the next three years in a conspiracy to have Cybernats tampering with every computer in Scotlandshire and beyond.  This corrupt scheme is a huge boost for the Scotlandshire Government’s Modern Separatismship programme. 

Microsoft UK boss Michael Van der Bel announcing the new Cybernat apprenticeship program said: “Microsoft wanted to secure the future of Scotland’s IT sector as a vibrant, growing industry”.

Youth Employment Minister Angela Constance responding to Mr Van der Bel’s announcement stated: “The Scottish Government has guaranteed a place in training or education for every 16 to 19-year-old. The partnership of companies like Microsoft is key to this work and to securing a successful independent future for our young people.”

Kezia Dugstail MSP, Spokesnyaff on Young People’s Issues for Scottish Labour, stated with authority and not at all in a condescending tone: “Little did Mr Van der Bel know that the separatists use the code word “IT” when referring to their cunning plan to break up our beautiful Union.


Separatists are often heard to ask each other: ‘How’s IT going?’”

"That’s how they’ve managed to dupe Microsoft into helping the Evil Separatist Empire builders.", she asserted.

She continued by pointing out the Microsoft Certified System Administrator qualification would have to be renamed: “I’ve already warned Microsoft their MCSA qualification will now stand for Microsoft Certified Separatist Agent.”

Ms Dugstail concluded by pointing out the Bitter the Gether campaign doesn’t resort to such nasty devious scheming tactics: “Thank goodness we don’t have a problem with online activists. The so called Cyberbrits are nothing more than Cybernatz pretending to be supporters of the UK. They are trying to destroy the good name and positive message of our UK OK campaign.“

Secretary of the British state for Scotlandshire, Mickey Moore MP has asked the FBI for assistance to look into the security risk posed by such separatist illegal operations. He bumbled: “The whole world is worried about the danger of Chinese hackers but here we have home grown Cyber terrorism on a scale unseen in these islands. We need to ram home how dangerous separation is to the core processes and services of Scotlandshire and the wider UK.”

He further said: “The FBI has been alerted to the dangers of Scotlandshire separating from the UK. They think they’re having trouble with Iceland at the moment, that’s nothing compared to that bolshie Kenny Macaskill being in charge of the justice system in a separated Scotlandshire. He’ll most certainly ban the use of planted evidence – he’s got form on not toeing the American foreign policy line.”

He went on to discuss information from the infallible UK security services: “A large number of Natz agents have already infiltrated the Windows product development team in a move to rebrand the operating system with subliminal messages designed to influence the separation referendum.“

Journalists at the Scotsman and Herald have informed BBC Scotlandshire about sinister new separatist features being sneaked into the upcoming Windows 8 Service Pack 1 or as it is known in Cybernat circles, “The Freeeeeedooooom Update”.

-  Windows will be renamed as “Windaes”. 

-  Scotland will be unhidden in the country locations selection box.

-  The language description “English (United Kingdom)” will be renamed as English (Rump Ersed UK).

-  The power options categories “Performance”, “Balanced” and “Power Saver” will be renamed to “Gi'en it Laldie”, “Eeksie-Peeksie” and “Hae'in a wee rest” respectively.

- Wireless networking will help you to illegally connect to your neighbour’s Home Hub whenever Windows detects you are located next door to someone considerably richer than you. 

- Windows Remote Assistance becomes CyBOS Remote Monitoring. The separatists will be watching you vote YES or else!

- The Windows Blue Screen of Death is replaced with a Union Screen of Death. Anyone running English (UK) will see this message frequently.


For once Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee on Alba Hating Westminsterites Irately Declaring Nationalists Absolute Excrement, seemed a little on the shy side. He did, however, admit to knowing nothing about computers: “Bloody things ur the Wullie Bain o ma life. I widnae ken the difference tween an i-pad an a knee-pad!. See yon bastirts on the help lines! ye jist get telt tae turn it aff an oan, an it costs me (weel the punters) a fortune fir that! Ah aye wint tae gie onywan a doin efterwards.”

Johann Davidson-Graham-Lamont was unavailable for comment as she was trying to configure the speech recognition features on the BT supplied computer that provides her instructions from Cameron's office.

Other Technology News

The Scotlandshire Government has demanded Blackberry change its anti-Scots name or face having their phones outlawed in Scotlandshire. It has been suggested they may like to consider "Bramble" for their new name.


Related Articles

Scottish Sun: You’re hired! 2,000 Microsoft apprentices in Scotland

Herald : Yes campaigners launch bid to silence cybernats

BBC: Web War II: What a future cyberwar will look like

Russia Today : Iceland denies aid to FBI in WikiLeaks investigation


Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Comments or no comments, it's still OUR job to tell YOU what to think - NOT the other way around.

Our Other Biased Articles


What is all this Rubbish?

Click HERE to find out.