Salmond guilty of concealing addiction advice

By our Political correspondent Nat Hunter

eck-curry-awardScotland's First Minister Alex Salmond has been accused of “covering up a serious and damaging addiction” and “deliberately refusing to make his doctor's advice public” by a number of pro-Britain politicians and other senior loyal figures.

This accusations follow the First Minister's admission, earlier in the week, that he has “a bit of a taste” for curries, which led to a Labour MSP posting a Freedom Of Information request, in the hope of forcing Mr Salmond to release any curry-based medical advice he has received into the public domain.

“Anyone who remembers Charlie Kennedy will know how damaging an addiction can be,” said Eric Pickles MP, the UK minister for pasties and a published expert on dinners. “Charlie-boy once told us he had 'a bit of a taste' for the malt, and where is he now? Certainly not leading the mibby-no campaign like he told us he was going to.

“We must know what advice, if any, Salmond has received on any and every matter of comestibles,” he added.

Eric Joyce, MP for Falkirk Southpaw and New Labour spokesman on swedgeing, said: “Take it fae yin that kens – an addiction can soon spiral oot ay control. I wus addicted to nuttin' posh Tory Fu#$&rs, and see where it landit me. Wee Eck should be dead careful with the Vindaloos.”

davidson3The first Ministers 'keenness for the sauce' has been the subject of a recent enquiry by the Scottish Affairs committee for making sure that breaking up is hard to do, which has been hearing expert evidence from subcontinental restaurateurs and addiction charities.

Tristan Chumley-Lumley, MP for St. Mary Meade and one of the Conservative members of the committee, said, “It's clearly time for the mad Scotchman to consider his position. We have been hearing evidence on the long-term effects of curry addiction and, I can tell you, it's enough to sour your gin. He must put his doctor's advice into the public record – and do it sooner rather than later”

Committee chairman Iain Davidson MP was unavailable as he was visiting a Westminster girls' school where he was reportedly “giving” one of the pupils “a doing” in his other role as Labour's spokesman on 'being a right big hard man”.

However, an SNP spokesman told BBC Scotlandshire that the FM had no intention of making his medical records public, pointing out that it was the policy of both parliaments to keep such information confidential. “He won't even be commenting on whether there has been any such advice”, added the flunky.

curryHe continued, “The FM is a member of a curry club, and he will remain a member, whatever constitutional changes take place. He has already conceded that he may need to renegotiate his membership fees should he become Prime Minister, but this will be done from inside the club, as a full and valued member.

“Any advice he has received regarding curries will be the basis of a white paper next year, which will be comprehensive and cover every meal of the day, including brunch, supper and even high tea.”

A number of fellow MSPs have also been highly critical of the First Minister's predilection for chili-laced stews and nan breads. Some have even suggested that his habit has become antisocial.

“It's hard to sit in a committee room with someone who has been on the phaal the night before. They're liable to let off the most evil kind of farts, just when you were about to speak, and put your point right out of your head,” said chief of the now-defunct Scottish Liberal Democratic party, Wee Wullie Rennie,” adding “but hey, what can you do, eh?”

Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont was unavailable for comment.


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