By Olly Halliburton, our Fracking Oil & United States Foreign Policy Correspondent

A leaked TOP SECRET Westminster report has indicated North Sea oil will have run out by 2014 under a new UK Government dash for black gold cash initiative. World leading new technology has been developed to extract the oil at an unprecedented rate.

BBC Scotlandshire has received a copy of the TOP SECRET report that details how the UK Government plans to extract every last drop of North Sea oil before Autumn 2014.

Westminster civil servants have been busily working away on this initiative since it became clear the UK's credit rating would be severely affected by the almost certain separation of Scotland from the UK.

A statement made to BBC Scotlandshire by Professor Eck Kemp of the University of Aberdeen just a few months ago now looks to be complete separatist's fantasy Scotlandshire. At the time he stated:

"Production is expected to increase between now and 2015, before a longer-term decline in production over the next 30 years. On current trends and performance, the ultimate potential would not be achieved over the next 30 years or even by 2050."

In a move that shows a benefit of the Union, Sir James Dyson, who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner, has been brought in by the UK Department of Energy and Climate Change to develop a next generation Oil Cyclonic Super Sooker.

A project insider has told BBC Scotlandshire the device is currently in final testing and should be mass produced and installed ready to start super sooking oil by spring 2013.

Fergus Ewing MSP, the Scotlandshire Government Minister for Energy, Enterprise & Tourism, stated this was yet another Westminster scaremongering story as there was nowhere in the UK capable of storing this amount of oil. He asked: "Where the hell could Westminster put that amount of oil?"

BBC Scotlandshire contacted the Department for Energy and Climate Change to enquire what would happen to the oil pumped out of the North Sea over the next two years. Ed Davey MP, the UK Energy Secretary, explained a cunning plan to provide natural storage facilities for the oil.

"It really is simple! We're going to drain every aquifer, reservoir, stream and water course to provide natural oil storage facilities. New massive pipes will run the length of the UK bring Scotland's oil over the border and closer to the coffers of the Treasury faster than ever before."

"Any gas or oil we cannot store will simply be flared off just like we did in the 1970s – that'll teach the Jocks to mess with the UK establishment."

On learning of this newly developed extraction technology and the availability of freshly drained reservoirs Professor Kemp revised his earlier prediction, stating:

"Westminster will have sooked us dry by Autumn 2014 at that rate of extraction."

"We'll be lucky to fill a WD40 can with the oil that will be left in the Scottish sector of the North Sea."

Guess who wanted to comment on the story? Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs Committee for Democratic Independence Can Knowingly Harm Energy Income and the Deficit, menaced:

"Listen ya wee nyaff! Kill this f--kin story or I'll f--kin kill you!"

"It wus bad enough when sum Natz bastirts goat thur hauns oan the McCrone Report efter it was hidden awae fur thurty years – thurs jist nae way they can funn oot aboot this!"

"If this story surfaces ah'll know it was you, ya knobdobber. I'll be right roond to gie you and yurr wummin a doin."

Johann Lamont-Davison was unavailable for comment due to being too busy oiling The Secret George Square Bunker's squeaky doors before Scotlandshire's oil is all gone.

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BBC: North Sea oil production 'will rise but then decline

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