By Torquil Cretin, our parallel universe correspondent.

Coalition Ministers are considering drawing up a "Black Paper" over the summer to set out the key questions they believe Alex Salmond's much-awaited White Paper on Scottish independence must answer.

"We have to emphasise to the public the big black holes that currently exist in the Scottish Government's prospectus and make clear the First Minister needs to answer major questions if his case is to have a shred of credibility; at the moment, it clearly doesn't," said one Whitehall insider.

Salmond's White Paper is due in November.

BBC Scotlandshire has been given first sight of the vitally important questions which will be asked of the nationalists in the Black Paper. We present a preview of the first 50 major questions here.

 

Project Fear - Black Paper - Top Secret

 

Questions for Dictator Eck (©2013 Anas Sarwar)

 

1: How far North will Edinburgh be if Scotlandshire separates from the UK?

2: Will shortbread taste as sweet in a separate Scotlandshire?

3: Who will win the Scottish general election in 2016, if Scotlandshire is separate, and by how much?

4: How quickly will Scotlandshire's peat reserves run out after separation?

5: Is this the way to Amarillo?

6: Will uncertainty be nationalised in a separate Scotlandshire?

7: Can we have our nukes back?

8: Will wee dugs be fed sausage rolls in a separate Scotlandshire?

9: Will there be roaming in the gloaming charges in a separate Scotlandshire?

10: How often will Brigadoon appear in a separate Scotlandshire?

11: Will water be piped down to England by a separate Scotlandshire government, or will they bottle it?

12: Will a separate Scottish defence force be too small to provide an effective defence against inflation?

13: Will ye no come back again?

14: Here's tae us, wha's like us? Damn few and they're aw deid!

15: Who is that waving a big blue flag behind that nice Mr Cameron?

16: Will emotionally fragile singers be manupulated for cheap political gain in a separate Scotlandshire?

17: What will be the new black in a separate Scotlandshire?

18: Will 42 still be the answer in a separate Scotlandshire?

19: Will hot dogs be made from real @Duggy_Dug in a separate Scotlandshire?

20: How will mars bars be deep fried in a separate Scotlandshire when the oil runs out?

21: Will men's farts really smell of heather and fine malt whisky in a separate Scotlandshire?

22: Will Radio Scotlandshire's 'Call You Kaye' still be able to afford an 'e' in a separate Scotlandshire?

23: Will days still be light and nights dark in a separate Scotlandshire? (Stornoway excepted)

24: Will Govan wish to be part of a separate Scotlandshire? (see Chairchoob)

25: Will grass sandwiches with no bread be all there is to eat in a separate Scotlandshire?

26: Will exotic Chinese bears still outnumber Tories in a separate Scotlandshire?

27: Will Anas Sarwar be a foreigner to us, or just to his Dad, in a separate Scotlandshire?

28: Will biscuits go soft in a separate Scotlandshire?

29: How will we survive when the air runs out in a separate Scotlandshire?

30: Will turkeys carry on voting for Christmas in a separate Scotlandshire?

31: Will toilet paper still feel like wiping your bum with a puppy in a separate Scotlandshire?

32: Will Starbucks avoid paying a different rate of corporation tax in a separate Scotlandshire?

33: What will be the calorific value of bogles in a separate Scotlandshire? #nosecandy

34: Will vampires show up in mirrors in a separate Scotlandshire?

35: Will brides in white still be virgins in a separate Scotlandshire?

36: What flavour will chocolate milk be in a separate Scotlandshire?

37:Will I still look like I came up the Clyde in a banana boat in a separate Scotlandshire?

38:Will we be able to breath underwater, just like Nessie, in a separate Scotlandshire?

39: Will I be Better Together with Chlamydia in a separate Scotlandshire?

40: What colour will the sky be as it falls in on a separate Scotlandshire?

41: How many stitches will a stitch in time save in a separate Scotlandshire?

42: Will 42 still be THIS question in a separate Scotlandshire?

43: Will a penny saved still be a penny earned in a separate Scotlandshire?

44: Will toilets still flush in a separate Scotlandshire?

45: Will Aye Broo Wan and Aye Broo Twa return To Ally Darling in a separate Scotlandshire?

46: How will a separate Scotlandshire defend itself from rogue Morris dancers?

47: Will Simon Cowell decry separation by proxy in a separate Scotlandshire?

48: How will Jock Tamson afford his child support in a separate Scotlandshire?

49: Will mony a meikle still mak a muckle in a separate Scotlandshire?

50: What will the West Lothian question be in a separate Scotlandshire?

 

 

 

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