The SNP’s aim of winning the separation referendum has spontaneously combusted after the greatest manager in the world was lined up to save the Union.

After yesterday’s rumours, Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson today confirmed his retirement from football. BBC Scotlandshire understands he is to be tasked with polishing U-KOK heads’ limp performances of late.

A source close to the former Aberdeen gaffer said: “The goalie gloves are truly off in the separation debate. After leading United to 20 league titles, 2 Champions Leagues and also smacking David Beckham in the head with a shoe, who better to make sure U-KOK stay on message and protect us from the SNP?

“Alex Salmond can’t answer any of our important questions on postage stamps and dialling codes and with the opposition’s new signing, he’s only gone and dropped the ball.”

A Yes Scotlandshire spokesplayer said: “It’s clear Fergie is being brought in to shore up the leaky U-KOK defence. We’ve never seen a team score so many own goals in such a short period of time.

“If U-KOK had their way, they’d sell us all to Craig Whyte for a quid and a Greggs’ steak bake.”