Separatist leader Dictator Eck, was condemned as being "disrespectful" to the memory of veteran Unionist Mrs Philomena McClumpherty by attending a knees-up in London instead of being at the funeral in Auchenshoogle.

"It was a hard decision", said Salmond. "McClumpherty did much to persuade the people that no sane person would vote Tory, but I had seen the medical reports and was quite sure she was dead. I needed to check personally that the other one was.

"The deciding issue was when I was told that the Auchenshoogle purvey would be from the Chippie. There's more oil in their haggis suppers than in the Brent field and Moira has banned me from having anything other than lettuce suppers - wi nae chips.

"However, the First Minister's Office is represented by a Modern Apprentice Secretary, whose auntie bides in Auchenshoogle."

McClumpherty's second cousin and part-owner of the holding company to which the Chippie belongs, Iain Taylor, a snake and rape oil salesman in neighbouring Brechin was incandescent about the slight. "I am incandescent", he told our reporter.

“Dictator Eck” © Anas Sarwar