By Panting Groupie, Proud Member of the U-KOK Stars Fan Club

Our hero James Kelly MSP rose from humble origins to an even humbler condition today. James's parents were too wee, too poor and too unimaginative to give him a middle name.

"Such things are not for the likes of us", said his father. "One given name is all we have, because we're dependent on others to give us anything."

James had an uneventful education at Trinity High School, Cambuslang, where his greatest achievement was being so invisible that no teacher or fellow pupil was able to remember anything about him.

Thereafter, James went to Glasgow College of Technology to study Computer Information Systems. Finally, James had found his comfort zone. One which required communication only with machines, which shared his voice pattern and so did not fall asleep when he spoke.

In the 1990s, disturbed by the changes in the world of computing he had imagined would always stay the same, such as ticker tape disappearing in favour of cassette tapes, and the new breed of computer ignoring him, he decided to widen his horizons to the exciting field of accountancy.

Naturally, he turned to an Irish Institute, that subsequently went on to dominate the UK and world markets.

Although James is often referred to as a "chartered accountant", he himself has typically neither made such a claim - nor denied it. Having mastered the basic Certificate in Business Accounting from the Chartered Institute of Management Accountants, James found a counting job to prepare himself for a future political career.

In 2007, it transpired that Rutherglen had actually had an MSP in the form of someone called Janis Hughes, but that she was standing down to become more visible. James seized his opportunity and through his oratorical brilliance in his selection speech ensured that members voted for him out of desperation for him to stop.

As a backbench Labour MSP, with his party out of power despite the electoral arrangements put in place by Westminster, James played a critical role. At all times he had to be prepared to press the "Abstain" button on any Labour motion which might actually bring down the SNP Government and precipitate an election. James's mastery of abstention from anything important brought him to the notice of the Labour leadership. Given his involvement in half-hearted sports (Debrett's list his interests as half marathons and five-a-side football) James had ambitions to be appointed Deputy Convenor of the Sports Committee.

In 2011, a huge opportunity opened for James.  Localtraders.com organised the 'World Watching Paint Dry Championships'. James was incensed when the organisers said, "After so many sporting disappointments we’re keen to invent a sport which England can excel at and watching paint dry could be just the thing". He vowed to prove that Scottish Labour MSPs could beat all-comers at boring - and he was their obvious champion.

In his only brilliant move during the election campaign, James gave totally false figures on the cost of knife crime to the then Labour Justice spokesman, Richard Baker. When Baker publicly claimed that knife crime cost NHS Scotland £500 million a year, and that that justified Labour's policy of imprisoning any fisherman or gardener who happened to stroll out on the pavement with a knife still in their pocket, he was publicly humiliated by Nat journalist Isabel Fraser on Newsnicht. Naturally Fraser has been demoted, sidelined and ignored ever since.

Consequently, James was no longer at risk of being a Government supporter and was free to enter the Paint Drying Championships in 2012. Needless to say he was a convincing winner - having to be dragged off from watching the emulsion [1] dry, shouting that he was having the best fun he'd had in ages.

The devastation of the 2011 election required James to be projected further into public prominence than he would have wished. The leadership realised that shadowing John Swinney required a Labour politician with a devastating ability to cut through spin, instantly cut through to the core issues and develop incisive analysis. However, the few that could do that had lost their seats, so James found himself in a high profile role.

James is too humble to boast, but is content for his admirers to praise his low profile. Indeed, his profile is so thin that we can all see right through him.

His new position has, however, allowed him to create a formidable reputation for spreading his banality to a wider audience. Our members rise in acclamation when we hear his wise commentary on modern politics. None of us can resist his slogans, Among his finest are -

"British Food - Eats Like A Meal"

" Let Union Or Death Begin"

"SLAB - Keeps the Too Stupid in Britain"

"it has to be hell with the SNP! "

"I've Seen The Future, and It's Desperation-Shaped"

"Reach out and touch U-KOK"

"Benefit cuts benefit us all”

"To our members we're the second Thatcher"

"I can't believe it's not Better Together"

"Labour - Melts into Tories not in your hand"

"Tough on dirt, gentle on Carmichael" 

James would never want us to be orgasmic about his outpourings, but will be content that his supporters are fairly satisfied with whatever crumbs we get. That's the British spirit, and no one should ever expect more.

[1] The word "emulsion" comes from the Latin word for "to milk", as milk is an emulsion of milk, fat and water, among other components. Along with his colleagues, James also likes to engage in his hobby at work by "emulsioning" the system wherever he can.

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