By Scott Fleg-Monger, Our Westminster Correspondent

In a shocking letter [1] to the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, the Dictator of Scotlandshire has claimed that "democracy" means that Cameron should debate with him. Worse still, he has referred to the Prime Ministerial posterior.

While Cameron was elected to his position by loyal Unionist MPs from England, NOT A SINGLE ENGLISH MP WAS INVOLVED IN SALMOND'S UNDEMOCRATIC SEIZURE OF POWER!

As to Salmond's suggestion that Cameron should "stand up and debate or butt out of the debate for good", words fail me. In fact, they fail me so much that I'll devote lots of them to an impartial, balanced destruction of Eck's ludicrous position.

"Butt out" is an American expression, and thus not one that a Scotchman is allowed to use.

It is clearly code for the vulgar Scotch term "Yer bum's oot the windae" - a coarse expression indicating that the subject of the barbed comment is a foolish person whose actions make them the butt (there it is again!) of laughter and ridicule. Indeed, since Cameron is the monarch for all practical purposes, any references to his buttocks are equivalent to public mocking of Her Majesty's ones (if she has such things, which she probably doesn't, because she is our Queen).

A spokesnat for the First Dictator compounded the offence when he told BBC Scotlandshire, "Eck would have left the Prime Ministers butt out of it and referred instead to his baws or cojones, but Dave appears not to have any".

Her Majesty (that's Dave this time, not Lizzie) should immediately send her (or his) loyal armed forces to seize the person of the "First Minister" and his team and drag them to London to be incarcerated in the Tower for lese majesty. [2]

BBC Scotlandshire, however, has never shirked from criticising the failings of London's leadership. Our Director-General has sent the following helpful memo to No10.

Are you people out of your fu**ing minds? Can't you even get it into your cretinous skulls who the players actually are in Scotlandshire? Of course Salmond is the principal politician behind the splittist campaign, but he's not the head of the Yes campaign. It's exactly the same as Dave being the principal politician behind the Unionist campaign, but he's not the head of the No campaign.

The worst crime in politics is believing your own propaganda. We've spent decades telling the people of Scotlandshire that they are too stupid to understand politics or to run their own affairs, but they're not so stupid that they can't see that Dave is scared of pushing people into voting Yes, simply because he is an English Tory - those being as popular in Scotlandshire as farts in a lift.

One encouraging sign is that Salmond pays homage to one of the great English writers. When Salmond talks of Cameron seeking "power without responsibility", that is a direct quotation from one of the greatest exponents of English Imperialism, Rudyard Kipling. It is regrettable, however, that he has simply plagiarised the phrase without including the full quotation, of which we are sure he is fully aware - "Power without responsibility - the prerogative of the harlot throughout the ages”. Describing the Prime Minister of the UK as a whore is an interesting strategy.

A spokesbloke from the Plain English campaign said "We do campaign here for language to be as simple as possible, and often politicians are the worst. Diplomatic letters are generally couched in all sorts of complex language, so we must congratulate the First Minister on his very frank and plain speaking. Terms like 'butt out' leave little room for misunderstanding. That said in this case - as a first for us - we suggest the First Minister might consider taking a course in 'writing complex diplomatic speak' as it's [Ed, surely he means it is?] rather colloquial in places."

As the splittist debate takes place more and more on social media and the internet, the No campaign should take more note of the brilliant contributions of Unionist bloggers. BBC Scotlandshire is delighted (no, really) to draw readers' attention to the incisive posts of "K (with an E) The Unionist". Her analysis that "Attack On Scotland Is Imminent Under A Weak SNP Defence Policy!" carries much greater intellectual analysis than any of the outpourings from London civil servants.

NOTES

[1] The full text of Salmond's dreadful letter can be seen HERE, but those of a nervous disposition (which will include all those convinced of the Project Fear stories) should take medical advice before reading it. BBC Scotlandshire has no responsibility for those ignoring that warning. More accurately, BBC Scotlandshire has no responsibility.

[2] Lese majesty is the crime of violating majesty, an offense against the dignity of a reigning sovereign. It is different from lazy majesty, which is when a Prime Minister makes fatuous comments showing his ignorance, because he can't be arsed to learn anything.

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