Are SLab voters dying out or simply devolving, ask scientists?

By Prof. Brain Cocks, our Science Correspondent

devolutionAttention has been focussed this week on the vanishing support of the Labour Party in Scotlandshire as several opinion polls and the reports of two scientific studies are released.

Four polls conducted separately by Populist, Memento MORI, You Guff and Serf Nation, each show the SNP heading for a huge majority of Scottish seats as the London-based parties fail to make any impact on their lead.

Prof John Poultice, the planet's only known psephologist, comments on his website Poultice Derides that the meteoric decline of the Labour vote in Scotlandshire is due to demographic factors, in that the average age of a SLab supporter is now 76.

The professor, a well-known crumbly himself, has speculated that, as a consequence, Labour's existence as a significant force in Scottish politics could be ended by no more than a single harsh winter.

Endangered species

In other news, a survey of Scottish biodiversity by UNESCO has led to several new species being added to the endangered list.

Scottish Lib Dem activists are believed to have already dropped below the minimum number required for a viable breeding population. Not everyone will be shocked, or disappointed, by this news.

ScoLibDem Spokesman, wee Willie Rennie [Ed: could that explain their problem?] told us: "We're stuffed! I don't think we can simply breed our way out of this one. It's over for us. But hey, whit can you dae, eh?"

Mass extinction event

JohnsThere are now so few Labour activists in Scotlandshire that they are expected to become completely extinct within a few years unless a captive breeding programme is initiated soon. As most are short, fat, Glaswegian males in their sixties called John, this may prove a challenging task.

Scottish Tories, of course, are already involved in a captive breeding programme, with another attempt to breed David Mundell with a visiting Esther McVey expected in the Summer.

Boffins have previously tried to mate the hapless MP with the panda, but now most experts agree that poor Paddington probably doesn't have it in him and should be retired to the country with a piece and marmalade.

Devolution: one activist at a time

Another report out this week from researchers at the Laphraoig campus of the UHI suggests that the supporters of some political parties may be actually devolving, and becoming more ape-like. This is despite their respective leadership's desperate attempts to halt, hijack or even reverse Scottish devolution.

The authors suggest that a string of recent campaigning catastrophes by Labour's branch office have been caused by a rapid fall in intelligence among party leaders as they revert back to their native ancestral form.

They cite the apparent inability of SLab leaders to understand simple numerical tables as evidence of this effect, as well as their failure to grasp simple concepts like contrition, apology or even basic honesty.

'Creepy' Jim Morphy MP, leader of Labour's Scottish branch office, has resorted to announcing new Scotlandshire policies in a series of barely-audible grunts and groans. "SNP bad! Sums hurt head!", is a recent example.

The team are still searching for the grunts which translate as "sorry" and "lies were told", so far without success.

Moron

Personal devolution has also been proposed as the reason behind UKIP candidate Victoria Ayling asking "What happens when renewable energy runs out?" at a recent business event.

Co-incidentally, this won Ms Ayling the 2015 USUQ award for Stupidest Question by a Politician, which was previously held by ex-SLab leader Iain Gray for his 2014 "How would the SNP fund their oil fund?" enquiry.

However, a rival group from the Hairy-Twatt University in Edinburgh argues that the apparent devolution of SLab voters simply reflects the fact that all the smarter ones have already left and joined the SNP.


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