Entryism threat faces SNP and other splittist parties

By Nat Hunter, Our aPolitical Correspondent

new membersEvidence is mounting that Alecsammin deliberately prevented new members joining the party in order to preserve his dictatorial control over the seditious organisation.

Within hours of the broken First Minister resigning his post. new applications flooded into their Charlotte St HQ, as the Natz virus went panicdemic.

As 18,002 19,558 20,557 26,108 27,106 28,053 29,237 30,548 35,104 38,032 40.358 41,385 42,589 44,358 46,806 51,046 52,135 56,365 57,951 58,936 60,809 60,980 61,592 (and rising) new applications threatened to engulf staff coping with their new membership total of 85,884, information received by this channel revealed that Sammin was the main reason why so few had been allowed to be SNP members previously.

We spoke to Ms Kezia Dugdale who, at the age of 33, has never managed to get a real job since she studied law at university.

"I really wanted to get a permanent job, which would make full use of my talents as a loudmouth", she said, "but after the 2007 election, obviously that wasn't going to be through Labour, so I wanted to join the SNP.

"I was turned down for being insufficiently fawning to Alecsammin, so I had to take this temporary job at Holyrood, which will end in 2016".

Mrs Johann Graham said, "I've never known what it's like to be First Minister, so I've joined the SNP today to put myself forward as leader, now that Dictator Eck has fu*ked off - and I've got all my pals to join too, to vote for me!"

brown handsGordon Brown said, "There is a time to fight and a time to unite, and from today onwards this is the time to unite. Not just in words, but in deeds, and around what I know we can discover as a common purpose for our country", before adding, "Joining the SNP is my contribution. One Nation, One Party, One Leader!"

Other splittist parties also saw a remarkable boost in membership. The Greens have gained more than 3,000 members more than tripled its membership now 7,057 members -  a quadrupling from pre-indyref, while the SSP membership has also more than doubled tripled.

Membership of the other parties in Scotlandshire has plumetted.

SNP chiefs were reportedly praising a typical piece of sly work by their main enforcer, Chief Executive Peter Murrell.

A source told me, "Peter hacked into the Royal Bank computers and adapted the software which automatically cancels your account with another bank when you contact them. Anyone logging on to the SNP site is automatically enrolled as a member, a Direct Debit created to take the membership fee, and their membership of any other party cancelled.

"I think you'll find that President Obama is no longer a Democrat, but an SNP member - serves him right for that bloody tweet"

The only remaining member (and, therefore, the leader) of the Scottish Labour Party is Lady Constance Chattering of Ladybank in Fife.

Coincidentally, the only remaining member (and, therefore, the leader) of the Scottish Conservative Party is her gamekeeper, and long term lover, Oliver Mundell.

Mundell said, "Lady Constance an' me dinna wint tae be united wi ither fowk. We'll jist cairry on uniting wi each ither, ilka aifterneen in the gairden shed."


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