By Snikibas Turd, our Phone Tapping Correspondent

The following is a transcript of a telephone conversation between Gordon Brown and David Cameron, which was recorded early on Friday morning as it was becoming clear that the Union had been saved:

<call connected>

Dave: Hello Gordon. Great news on the indyref. How can I help you?

Gordy: Thanks David. I'm calling about my timetable for extra powers.

Dave: Oh that? But surely you're not going ahead with any of that now. We won, dear boy, we won!

Gordy: I know it was just a campaign tactic, David, but I'll look pretty bad if I don't even go through the motions of pushing it.

Dave: OK, Gordon. You've been a good friend to the party of late, so I owe you a hearing at least. What did you have in mind?

Gordy: Well, I thought we could stick to the timetable but just offer up the Labour plan. After all, there is nothing of any use in it.

Dave: But I thought you were offering actual new tax powers in that one.

Gordy: No, no, no. We are only offering the chance for the Jocks to pay twice for their services when we cut their funding. It actually means an even bigger slice of the Aberdeen cake for the Treasury. Plus a few sweeties for Labour councils.

I'll be making a speech on the Beeb tomorrow where I'll talk about cumulative powers to make it appear there's something significant on offer - but there isn't.

Dave: I'm not so sure. I'll have a hell of a time getting it past my backbenchers, which is ideal of course, but Ed's lot might go for it just to hang on to their Scotch MPs. That wouldn't do now, would it?

Gordy: No, Dave, it wouldn't do at all. But I have a plan ready to deal with that.

Dave: OK, I'm listening.

Gordy: Well. Just tie the more powers for the Sweaties thing in with the English votes for English laws thing. That will stop the Labour party from backing it. After all, Ed could never get a bill passed if a big slice of his MPs were banned from voting on it, could he?

Dave: I like your thinking, big man. I can appear to be keeping my vow without delivering a thing, and still blame it all on Ed. We can shaft the uppity Jocks and the Labour party at the same time. That's pure genius.

I'll get right on it. Gideon's going to love this!

Gordy: Glad to help, David. Bugger the lot of them, I say! Just make sure my red bench is kept warm for me - I'll be needing somewhere to park my moral compass.

<call disconnected>

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