By Bullit Anbomm, Our Irish Correspondent

Enda Kenny, Taoiseach of Ireland, was incandescent about "that fu*kin eejit, Jack Straw" trying to restart the Troubles in Northern Ireland.

Straw's suggestion that the international agreement between the UK and Ireland should be unilaterally broken by insisting that Northern Ireland could never leave the UK would lead to violence "that would make George Square look like a Bhuddist meditation session", said a source.

Straw, the Shadow Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (actually he isn't, but Wiki says he is and Wiki is the fount of absolute truth) proposed that "we should follow the example of stable federated countries (the US and India, for example) and say: 'This Union is now indissoluble'."

In a joint statement, Sinn Fein leaders Martin McGuiness and Gerry Adams said, "We've tried really, really hard not to say that London politicians are useless fu*kwits, but there is a limit and that point has now been reached. Jack Straw is a fu*kwit.

"We persuaded the IRA to put down their arms, on the basis that the Good Friday Agreement would be honoured. The English PM David and the Leader of the Labour Party David need to lock this eejit in a box as soon as they can."

A spokesdenier for the Labour Party said, "We have no record of a Mr Straw as ever having been a member of the Party, much less an MP, and certainly not someone who could have been Home Secretary and Foreign Secretary in a Labour Government.

"All your sources are wrong. We are always right. In our world, everything is happy and nice, and everybody loves us." As he began singing 'All things bright and beautiful' a technical fault, caused by our ripping the phone from its socket, cut us off.

Mr Straw is well known for his views that the English had used their "propensity to violence to subjugate Ireland, Wales and Scotland", further fuelling fears that he intended to continue the subjugation by any means possible.

Roksmelt Wirasun, Professor of Geography and Grass Management at Auchenshoogle College said, "I'm afraid that Straw is even more ignorant than my pigs. The underlying chalk structure of the South of England is dissolving as we speak, and the sea will just wash the gravel away, so London itself is dissolving as we speak."

Related Articles

Times : Let’s preserve our Union in law to stop the SNP pulling it apart

Wiki : Good Friday Agreement

BBC London : English nationalism 'threat to UK'

Comments

Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.