Proudscotbuts must say No to Separation

By Boris Johnson, the next Prime Minister of Scotlandshire

proudscotbutWith just over two weeks to go until the most important vote in Scolandshire's history, Proudscotbuts everywhere must gather themselves for one final push. Nothing less than the future of our country is at stake, and with it the fate of its Northernmost region that many of you call home, Scotlandshire.

As we know, this referendum is all about nationality. Proudscotbuts such as you love your country, your region and your families and consequently wish each of these to remain just as they are now. The Nationalists, fuelled as they are by Braveheart and Buckfast, care for none of these and wish only their destruction. What kind of people are they, who strive only to turn their own families into foreigners – the worst fate which could ever befall a true Proudscotbut.

Through a combination of guile and simple dishonesty, the Nationalists have managed to secure a pointless and divisive referendum on Separation. The date of this pitiable plebiscite is the 18th of September (or the 19th for No voters). Mark it in your diaries for tomorrow is the day of our final offensive. Yes, I understand you have all been as offensive as you can be throughout this campaign, but we must all now raise our level of offensiveness to new unexplored depths/heights.

For fifteen hours on the 18th of this month, between the hours of 7am and 10pm, Scotlandshire will be elevated to the status of a fully sovereign nation for the first time in over three centuries. Ridiculous as this may sound to Proudscotbuts, this is a direct consequence of the ill-famed Edinburgh Agreement and we ignore it at our peril.

During this brief window of 'opportunity', our people must decide whether to remain a nation, or to denounce the concept of Scottish nationhood altogether and forever, and return our sovereignty to the halls of Westminster Palace where it rightly belongs.

It falls on you Proudscotbuts to use whatever means, fair or foul (but mainly foul), to ensure the people of Scotlandshire make the right choice for your region. Whatever it may take, whatever the cost, we must ensure that the people who live there will never be allowed control over their own affairs.

There is only one group of people who can make the best decisions for Scotlandshire – the people who live and work here – here in Westminster that is, from where I am writing to you all. After all, it is we who were born to rule and you who were born to serf serve.


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