Deal with the Devil - Scots satanic plot uncovered

By Auld Nick, Our Netherworld Correspondent

dewar demonTroubled Scotlandshire supremo Dictator Eck and his cronies were reeling last night when the revelation by Canon Kenahm Wright, that the Yes Scotlandshire Campaign are in league with the Devil, was caught on camera.

Speaking at a meeting of the National Coven, the Grand Wizard of Independence let fly, explaining that Devilution had not been enough, and hinted at how the Dark Lord Sammin now wants more - a deal with the Devil himself!!

With the news that the ‘B’ in ‘plan B’ stands for Beelzebub confirmed, the crazed demonic cleric revealed the full details of the diabolical plan off camera - with ‘Flower of Satan’ set to replace ‘God Save the Queen’ as the National Anthem, Kilmarnock to be renamed ‘Kilwarlock’, Edinburgh ‘Satanburgh’ and Dundee to be left just as it is!

"And there is more", the demonic Canon cackled, "we have been planning this for years. I’ll let you into a secret- remember Christian Mallard’s bilingual oath when taking up office? Well, I can tell you this now…he’s no Christian and his oath - 'eta mym s'he, nata sev oli' is not French!"

Listen to how the Canon talks about devil like activities in the video - hearing voices, seeing visions and predicting the future. No God fearing clergyman would resort to the practices of the occult!

Right-thinking proper thinking Christian, NoBloodyThankyou! Westminster politicians were saddened but not surprised to learn not only that the desperate nats have turned to the Devil in an attempt to turn the tide of their failing, futile and bankrupt campaign, but also that Satan has been calling the shots in the Scotlandshire National Movement for years.

A spokesman for No 10 grieved: "While we said handing power to Scotlandshire was a bad idea, we were misled by Donald Dewar's Scotch accent. When he pronounced the 'D' word, we understood him to mean 'Devol', not 'Devil. We were concerned, at the time, that his proposals included no Bishops of the Church of England within the Scotch Parliament."

Alistair Darling, leader of the victorious NoBloodyThankyou! campaign commented: "Nothing surprises me about the depths to which these Scotlandshire separatists will sink! Could Scotlandshire be a Satanist country? Well of course it could. That is obvious. Could it be a prosperous Satanist Country? Well, I tell you this - Scotlandshire is stronger within the greater, deeper and inconceivably more despicable evil of the Union!"

"And that is why", added Darling’s darling Cameron (not at all on another secret visit that wasn’t happening to a non-existent Scotlandshire oilfield that hasn’t just announced the finding of huge reserves) "we are despatching the legendary Witchfinder General Sir Tam Doollally, and his familiar, Michel Kellydoolally, to Edinburgh immediately after the glorious and inevitable No vote to close down the den of devil-worshipping rogues and reprobates that is the Scotlandshire Parliament down - as indeed is not only our right, but also our God-given British duty!"

force darknessJohann La-mont, meanwhile was arranging a tryst with Alistair Darling to celebrate their victory over evil. Her card to Darling was leaked, but Alistair's support merely shivered, and made no comment.

The ghost of the Lib-Dems, Wee Wullie Rennie, highlighted the wickedness of the Psychics for Yes campaign (who refuse to let him through) with their total opposites of the Empire's No Bloody Thanks! psychics, who can't get enough of him: "British psychics good, Natz psychics evil. Simples!", he sighed, "Bit whit can ye dae? Eh?"

In a desperate attempt to divert attention from this embarassment, the Satanic Yes cult tried to embarass a struggling single mother BY USING HER OWN WORDS!

A U-KOK spokesbigot explained that the error was totally unintentional: "Naturally, our London team scanned her tweets for potential embarassment, but didn't actually understand anything she wrote or said. It was almost as if she was from a different country! Indeed we have revised our database, and re-labelled Airdrie as a suburb of Belfast. However, we will still broadcast her saying the words we wrote for her in our TV broadcasts tonight. Surely no one will find that objectionable?""


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