Has U-KOK got enough cash to buy enough people to win?

By Old Sarum, Our Electoral Malfeasance Correspondent

greg-moodie-blairU-KOK HQ were shocked when a new poll showed that a major plank of their strategy had backfired. Wisely, they promptly ensured that reporting of the TNS poll was rapidly removed from newspaper websites, so that its results would be seen by no one until after the TV debate from Inverness was over.

The TNS poll showed that support for No Bloody Thanks had increased among all those polled. However, among those who could actually be arsed to vote, the Yes vote had actually increased. An incandescent Bliar 'Tuba' McDonut expostulated "Fu*k! I said that was a bad idea. Now our people won't come out to vote unless we pay them."

Observers of were puzzled by the reference to winning through payment, but we can exclusively reveal the brilliance of the original plan he was referring to, and its unforeseen consequence.

A U-KOK "group" called "Proud To Be Scottish – Delighted To Be United" [1] have been found to be paying dissolute scroungers (or "the poor" as the seperatists like to call them) £25 per day, plus travel expenses and free accommodation, to pose as No Bloody Thanks activists.

Another U-KOK "group" called "The Labour Party" [2] have been bussing coach loads of "poor" people to Scotlandshire, with the promise of free accommodation, unspecified payments, and a promise that they can stay in Scotlandshire. This last offer is thought to have convinced many as, regardless of the outcome, they'll have the Bedroom Tax mitigated, free prescriptions, free personal care in their old age, and free university tuition, should they wish to improve their lot in life - oh, and better job prospects, though they will need to accept being paid in Scottish banknotes, which they'll need to change when they visit their relatives down south, as everyone else in Scotlandshire does already.

Regrettably, many of these people have taken the concept a little further. As one said "Ah dinnae gie a fu*k either wye. Ah'm happy tae vote No if they pye me eneuch, itherwise, it's Aye, or spend the day in the pub drinkin the cash thae No bastirts gied me." When pressed as to how much he would sell his vote for, he responded, "Weel, a pint's £3. Ah poor doon eight o them a day. There's 240 days in a year. Ah need tae stye pissed for the next 10 year, so that wid be - jeez that's a hard yin - say £150?"

In a dramatic development, Mr McDonut tweeted, "we had such a surge of small donations since the Darling win we're shutting down our fundraising" [3]. It is unclear as to whether small donations of £1,000,000 or so from sympathisers in London have generated sufficient funds to bribe enough of the electorate; whether the funds can never be sufficient to have enough of an effect anyway, or whether they left the calculations to Danny Alexander - in which case they're fu*ked.

Alexander's inability to distinguish positive from negative is not only disastrous for UK finances, but also for his own political career. This latter point was amply demonstrated when he declared to his own constituents in Inverness that, "The No campaign is so desperate it is losing the argument".

dollar stingHowever, in a further twist to the story, a sting operation by Third Force News captured the under the table financial transaction via a covert camera.

Amazingly, these agents of the UK Government are paying their employees in US dollars!

Hiram B Oliphaunt, Professor of Economics at the University of Auchenshoogle explained the possible reasons for this.

"It's entirely possible that the UK is so skint, that it has actually been bought by Fox News - the accuracy of their reports are already a close match", he suggested.

"Alternatively, this may be the first indication that the Scottish Government are totally correct that they'll continue to use the pound after independence - it's just that England won't.

"There have been rumours for some time that Chancellor Osborne has already decided that sterling was so damaged by "those fu*king Scotch bastards" (presumably a reference to Brown, Darling and his own Chief Secretary Alexander) that only the expected yield from the Clair Ridge field is keeping it from resembling the Zimbawean dollar.

"My sources suggest that his plan is to transfer the Bank of England to Edinburgh, and allow the Scots to run both it and the pound. In that way, the extensive personal fortunes of the Cabinet and Shadow Cabinet will be protected, because they are held in sterling reserves. Meanwhile, England will act like any other banana republic client state of the USA (except with no bananas and with a monarch) by simply using the US dollar. After all, no one can stop England using any tradeable currency in the world."

Third Force News report that "Better Together, the official pro-union campaign, declined to comment."


[1] "Proud To Be Scottish – Delighted To Be United" are described as a "group", because they do not quality for the technical appellation of "grassroots". While they clearly have oodles and oodles of grass, no roots are identifiable. Other than a Facebook page, a very large bank account, and a banner outside a house near Pitlochry, little is known of them/him.

[2] "The Labour Party" are also described as a "group", since they also fail to match the specifications of "grassroot". Not only do they have no grass, and rely on humanitarian bales parachuted in from the Tory Party, their former extensive root system appears to have been entirely killed off. This is assumed to have been caused by former leader, Iain Gray having mistaken his bottle of Roundup as fertiliser, and current leader, Johann Lamont, mistakenly spraying untreated sewage on the roots, instead of properly composted shite.

[3] Unfortunately, there seem to be a large number of people in Scotlandshire desperate to donate to political campaigns. Unable to donate any more to the No campaign, they leaped eagerly to donate to a print run of the Whinge over Scotlandshire "Wee Blue Book". Within hours, the target was smashed, lile plates at a Greek wedding.


Related Articles

Daily Record : Support for No vote is stalling says pre-referendum poll

Third Force News : Anger as pro-union group caught touting for sham ‘volunteers’. Anti-independence group in fake activists row


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