Blow for Salmond as UKOK admit designing Commonwealth Games kit

by Kant Feech-Erse, our London Fashion Correspondent

team-scotlandAlex Salmond's plans for the sundering of Great Britain were dealt a fatal setback today as it was revealed that members of UKOK were behind the design of the new uniforms for the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games.

This shocking revelation was made in a tweet from a shadowy pro-union Cybertwat group calling itself 'the Empire types back!'

This was the group, we now know, who were responsible for the 'abusive' tweets aimed at Harry Potter author JK Rowling, when they mistakenly believed she had bankrolled the Yes campaign and labelled project fear as dementors. Following a forensic examination of their spelling, Police Scotlandshire have discovered the group are members of the Pollock[sic] Orange Order.

The tweet was sent on Friday at midday and the text was as follows:

sum sibernat skum ur beein rood again – thoas evil natsy bastirts – their so abyoosiv, a wish a kood chib thum aw! BTW it wus blare macdoogul desined they commie kilts #yabas
sent by FTP

Within an hour of the tweet, UKOK head Blare MacDougall announced that it was indeed he who had secretly designed the new uniform, in a brilliant bid to ruin the games and embarrass the government and people of Scotlandshire.

"A successful Commonwealth games would have been a huge boost for the separatists", he told the BBC, "and we couldn't allow that to happen. So someone in the Project Fear office, I think it was wee Ruthy, or maybe it was Jackie Burd, came up with a brilliant idea to scupper the whole thing.

"What if the uniform worn by the athletes was so awful that they were too pissed off to concentrate on their performances", they said, "and Scotlandshire won hardly any medals – in their own games. Delicious!

"Plus, as a bonus, the world would think us Scots are complete numpties for traipsin' about in our grannies' curtains. I thought it was a great plan, so straight away I laid down my tuba, got out my crayons and set about designing."

A Spokesjock from Sport Scotlandshire told us, "The new uniform has been a total disaster. The straight athletes are angry because it makes them look gay, and the gay athletes are livid as it stops them looking fabulous. Everybody hates it. But we didn't know it was UKOK who designed it – we thought it was Julie Andrews."

Luvvies for Yes

Meanwhile, in other news, the Splittist group, 'Slightly Famous People for Indy' has released a video advocating the breakup of the most successful only political union in the whole world, ever. We advise our viewers to watch this mercifully short film and see for yourselves how inept these people are.

This is supposed to be a political campaign, but it inspires no fear whatsoever. I don't know what it is, but it isn't politics. The negativity is nowhere to be seen and a little cute fluffy kitten wouldn't be scared by the message they are mongering here. Pathetic!

Mind you, that Elaine C Smith's a bit scary. You wouldn't want to take her home a burst pay packet.


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