By Coos Erse, Our Breaking Wind Correspondent

In a blow to Alicsammin (the only person supporting Scottish splittism), the current failed Chancellor is reportedly searching for a new Superman to head the U-KOK campaign instead of the failed ex-Chancellor.

As always, the loyal readers of BBC Scotlandshire have been recruited to help him out. Our new poll asks which of the potential candidates you would most like to see heading the campaign to save Westminster from humiliating defeat.

Your friends in the Scotlandshire press (unfortunately, the Sunday Herald must now be seen as potentially a subversive organisation, and is being investigated by the Securitate on our behalf) have expressed their gratitude for your responses to our previous poll.

We asked, "Which of the following statements is most true about the Press in Scotlandshire?"

53% of you endorsed the correct response "There are 37 national or daily newspapers in Scotlandshire. Just five of them are owned in Scotlandshire. None of the 37 support independence."

Your recognition that Scots are the last people that you want to see controlling news in Scotlandshire, and your enthusiastic acclamation of their pro-Empire stance, has been warmly welcomed in the Board Rooms of corporate London.

There was some concern that 33% of you responded enthusiastically to "Look! There’s a squirrel!". That's clearly nuts. However, Corporate London has no intrinsic objection to the conservation movement, as long as it concentrates on conserving Conservatives.

9% agreed that "Iain Gray should sell sandwiches, not politics!" Our sponsors agree that Iain Gray's attempts to sell anything to anybody have been an unmitigated disaster. However, specialist fast food advisers suggest that he also lacks the ability to sell sandwiches. An exciting opportunity for him in the sandwich industry has been identified, however, by media specialists 'Bored with Boards'. On condition that he remains silent, Gray has been offered the position of principal advertising executive for the No campaign.

As the splittists have bought up all the poster sites, Gray will be supplied with 'We're doomed' sandwich boards and sent out to wander the streets of Scotlandshire, as the main thrust of U-KOK's positive campaigning approach.

Sadly, only 4% agreed that "The Press in Scotlandshire is totally fair and balanced between the perfect status quo, and the terrifying prospects under the crazed Natz." However, on reflection, we have concluded that the Sunday Herald's foul decision to give "fair" consideration to the splittist side, means that the Scottish press can no longer be considered perfect.

Only 1% agreed that "Subway should sell sandwiches, not politics!" Frankly, we were astonished by that. At U-KOK, we they consider all politics to be a commodity that should be up for sale to the highest bidder. In England we they have already converted their NHS to that model.

UPDATE

As tweeted by our Chief Reporter, Nat Hunter, earlier today ""We are delighted to announce that @ScotlandshireGB has joined the CBI. Statement to follow"

We have now received the statement from High Command - "Now that those public-sector losers have fu*ked off, the CBI in Scotlandshire is now in it's purest form. It is BBC Scotlandshire, and BBC Scotlandshire is the CBI. One Nation, One Empire, One Director-General", said BBC Scotlandshire DG, [Whatshisname]?"

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