Mars Attacks! Fifth Columnist revealed

By Milky Weigh, Our Interplanetary Confectionery Correspondent

milibot1In a blow to Alex Salmond, the Defence Secretary for the UK, Phillip Hammond, stunned observers by  revealing top secret information on the existence of Alien aliens,  declaring that a separate Scotlandshire would be more vulnerable to threats - from space.

“We have reason to believe that not only do Martians exist; they have landed and have been probing us. We have had several confirmed cases of probing reported at Eton and Tonbridge and our investigations into the nocturnal goings on there are still ongoing.

“What came as more of a surprise was the discovery of a robot posing as a human to try and gain access to the upper echelons of government. The alien robot, clearly unaware of the political set-up of the UK infiltrated the Labour party rather than the Lib Dems or Tories. Realising its error too late, it has began to try and assimilate support for taking over the UK. Humourless, soulless, and with a plastic sheen... it wasn’t long before we figured out that Ed Miliband was that robot."

The Tory minister expanded on his comment, which he said he was de-classifying this material for the purpose of informing the public of Scotlandshire of every conceivable doom that may befall them. A policy decided upon due to repeated calls for more information.

The pro-union campaign has been hard at work in the form of Lord George Robertson warning of the ‘forces of darkness’ that would unleash a ‘cataclysmic event’ should the Splittist Alliance prevail.

Talking to some talking-heads in Washington, Lord Robertson warned of the dire consequences of splittism on the UK’s defences should the Trident shield be removed. These very credible warnings were met with ridicule by some of those in the nationalist camp."

While mildly disagreeing with the counter-productive language of the noble lord, and regretting his leaking of matters only known to other aliens, Hammond stressed the nuanced and balanced release of the confirmation that Baron Robertson was a totally reliable source for any and every threat.

“Of course it’s been easy to keep the secret from the public", he said, "as only the Daily Star and Wings over Scotland perform any serious journalism these days. We were able to pass off the rantings of the Daily Star as a joke, but the Splittist General ‘Revered’ Stu Camp-bell was more difficult to dissuade.

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 “The splittist site gathered photographic evidence which it placed in the public domain but we have been able to pass it off as ‘some internet bampot anti-English cybernat that lives in England’ so thought we had the issue under control.

milibot4“However we now have reason to believe that Millibot 3000 was merely a scout for a much larger force that has landed in the West coast of Scotland. An enemy we fear will unleash the forces of darkness should the Trident nuclear shield not be available to scare the big effin flyin saucers off.”

Responding to the allegations coming from Westminster, Johann Lamont organised a press conference in the bunker under Greggs at George Square. True to form Lamont went for Salmond with the initial opening volley being “Eck, eck eck, Eck ECK ECK”, before moving on to more substantial matters.

“I am pleased to be speaking to you today. We have just had confirmation from the UK government that Martians are in Scotland, however this is not a new revelation. It has been known for some time that shape shifting aliens Eye-broo-wan and Eye-broo-two have been on Earth posing as Alistair Darlings eyebrows.

milibot5“These two alien entities were the first contact between the people of Earth and Mars, choosing wisely as they did, to make contact with the ‘red party’ here in Glasgow. Enthused by the idea of Unionism they worked hard to provide a base for Martian forced unionism until they were infected with the Nationalism Virus (a particularly nasty bug that they got off a door handle touched by Joan McAlpine – you may remember I warned of the Nationalism Virus previously); resulting in their replacement by Milibot 3000 who is impervious to biological attack.

“But I digress, these Martians have been here for some time and are an integral part of the Labour in Scotlandshire team. We mean you no harm... don’t run, we’re Better Together.

“We have tried unsuccessfully over the last few years to help out our new nation through the promotion of sensible policies, which have been enthusiastically endorsed by the Westminster MPs, if less so by Holyrood colleagues.

"These include our mandatory euthanasia policy for the elderly, bonded slavery for students and organ harvesting off the sick... which I’m sure you agree is perfectly reasonable given that no-one wants to live in a something for nothing country.”

milibot6Since the exceptional briefing from Johann Lamont, BBC Scotlandshire has been contacted by the Splittist General ‘Revered’ Stu Camp-bell who has informed us that we are all in danger and that the Martians wish to force Scotland into a Union with Mars if she gains independence through what has become known as an “Alien Act”.

Speaking of the threat Camp-bell said, “Don’t be fooled by their calm demeanour... you can see from their EVERY action that they mean to do Scotland harm... I’m only able to survive due to living as far away from the West Coast of Scotland as I physically could get.

“They still hold a grudge against Scotland from the pain we inflicted on them when an Andy Stewart Christmas special accidentally made its way to Mars. They can’t have that happen again and will do anything to control us and stop it. It was learning how Westminster ‘reserved’ all broadcasting that gave them the idea for the Martian Union so they could reserve all broadcasting to Mars forever.”

 

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