By Pintan Ahauf, Our Crime and Alcohol Correspondent

Reports are reaching us via STV that a Natz MSP provoked an innocent member of the public into grabbing him by the throat in the Novar Bar in Kirkcaldy, following a harangue by the MSP about Scotlandshire leaving the Empire.

Such violence simply demonstrates that U-KOK have adopted the correct strategy by not discussing this difficult idea with real people.

A spokesman for Police Scotlandshire said, "We are following a positive line of inquiry".

BBC Scotlandshire is delighted to think that such an enquiry will lead to MSP David Torrance being charged with "using splittists arguments in a public place, to the distress of Her Majesty's lieges."

However, such a happy outcome is not guaranteed, as there are complex issues that might potentially be involved. Among these are -

Was this a perfectly reasonable restraint of treasonous words being uttered by a subversive rebel, or did the assailant think he was attacking part time pro-splittist biographer and celebrity pro-Union mini-me journalist, David Torrance? [Ed: Why does the mention of his name always result in a debate about the reintroduction of hanging?]

Was the assailant a prominent Raith Rovers supporter, overcome by emotion? A Mr G Brown issued a statement that he was nowhere near the Novar Bar at the time of the incident. Indeed, his spokesflunkey said, "Not only was Mr Brown not in the Novar Bar, he wasn't even in Kirkcaldy. He cannot remember ever having been in Kirkcaldy, or in the House of Commons for that matter, since he retired from politics."

Unusually, our source at Scottish Labour HQ was unable to help us with the details of the charge, and the verdict in any forthcoming trial, as they once could.

"Sadly", our source said, " since the debacle of the 'Citizen Smart' trial when the polis still followed standing Labour instructions to arrest anyone insulting us or our allies, Polis Scotlandshire seem to be pursuing something called 'Justice'. This is deeply worrying, especially for our MPs. You'll have noticed that they're keeping pretty quiet on the Maria Miller scandal.

"And don't bother asking us about anything else either. As you might have seen in the Sunday Post, we have responsibility for nothing and knowledge of even less. All decisions are (or rather were) taken by Anas and the Millipede, but since they decided that they were making such an arse of everything, they have handed over all decision making to Lord George Ffoulks-Sake and his 'Dad's Army'."

Lard George interrupted a critical executive meeting of his "Better Together With A Nice Wee Cup Of Tea" campaign for a teetotal Scotland to comment on the incident.

"Clearly those living in Scotland are unfit to have a social drink, but become completely deranged with alcohol", he slurred. "When Scotch politicians sink so low as to abuse fellow socialites so badly that they are subsequently physically attacked, they need to be prevented from such behaviour."

Lord George Robertson of Port-Ellen, expanded on the theme to a bemused American audience. "Even suspecting Gordon Brown of such a misdemeanour would be cataclysmic for the Western world", he ranted. "Gordon is the man that saved the world for democracy by selling off Britain's gold at knockdown prices, raided every pension pot, and even bankrupted Britain to find the cash to help America seek out and destroy all those WMD held by evil dictators who are poised to invade Scotlandshire, should my sacred presence no longer be in place to ward them off.

"The dictators, the persecutors, the oppressors, the annexers, the aggressors and the adventurers around the planet would be handed the greatest gift imaginable, he continued. "The forces of darkness will overwhelm the world, Voldemort will return, and Hearts will prevent Rangers winning the Championship - so not all bad, then."

Further troubling features of the end of time, or Indypocalypse, can be read HERE. Warning - not for the faint-hearted.

UKOK strategists plan to invoke the tactics, employed so effectively in 15th century Japan, to reduce the discussion to the simplest ideas, universally understood.

Baroness Helen Liddell is reported to be preparing a major speech in which she will enlarge on her agreement with Lord Lang, that voting Yes is a deliberate insult to those who were slaughtered in WWI.

She is expected to tell the members of Kippen WRI that, in the event of a Yes vote, "the cemeteries will give up their dead. The graves will open and all those still living in Scotlandshire will be dragged underground as punishment for desecrating the Empire. Worse, no recipe for any baking produce will survive the Holocaust - not even one for Empire biscuits."

Lord John Reid is understood to be undergoing pre-match training at the Celtic boot camp on Craggy Island. This is in accord with the new UKOK policy of only uttering usable sound-bites, without any attempt to string them together logically or in any coherent manner. Lord Reid's elocution mentor explained -  "FECK!", "ARSE!", "DRINK!", "GIRLS!" We look forward to this new approach which will make it impossible to contradict any argument, as none will be made, or allow Ian McWhirter to label the speech as "total shite", as it inevitably will be.

Should the polls continue to deteriorate, UKOK have created a last-ditch tactic. They will apologise for all the damage that Westminster has done to Scotlandshire, and promise to be much nicer people in future, See the draft version below. If only this had been ready in time to save Maria Miller.

Related Articles

STV News : Nationalist MSP 'assaulted' during pub debate on independence

Sunday Post : Don’t panic! Labour enlist old guard for indy battle

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