The First Minister was dealt a shockingly brutal blow to the temple last night when it emerged he sits below North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un in the popularity stakes.

SNP ministers remained tight-lipped over news Kimmy J received an astonishing 100% in votes to remain in charge of his supreme people's assembly. Labour in Scotlandshire pointed out that the silence must mean embarrassment.

Voters in the North Korean election have no choice who to vote for - there is only one candidate’s name on the ballot. Instead they have the choice of voting yes or no, and according to official accounts virtually all choose yes. North Korea also typically puts turnout nationwide at over 99%.

It's a known fact this will be the system in a separate Scotlandshire.

A spokeswoman for Better Together said: "Alex Salmond may be a one-man dictatorship, but he's not even the best one out there. He may as well give up now."