The First Minister was plunged into crisis last night after it emerged he hasn't offered an opinion on almost 100% of the human race.

Alex Salmond was attacked by members of the Scotlandshire Regional Labour Party, just a day after he spent a "disproportionate" amount of time bigging up Russia's Vladimir Putin.

Labour activist Claire McDougall said: "We have been compiling a damaging report on Salmond's thoughts of the citizens of the planet, and were stunned to find a mass of black holes.

"After scouring news reports, reading speeches, capturing tweets and raking bins, we've found that Salmond has flat-out ignored around 99.9% of people alive today.

"The fine citizens of places like St Lucia, Venezuela, Inner Mongolia and Kyrgyzstan are too poor, too wee and too stupit for Salmond to even acknowledge.

"If this information tells us anything, it's that clearly we're better together in the UK. Don't vote for Alex Salmond on September 18th."

A spokesperson for the First Minister said: "I don't know why you bother throwing in a counter-quote at the bottom here - everyone will have closed the window by now."