Attacks against an 80 year old separatist in Edinburgh and an equally Scotch road sign in Caithness were blamed on “crazed cybernats” by future leader of the Labour Party (in Pakistan), Anas Sarwar.

“When you recall the infamous Reichstag fire in 1933, set by crazed Natz and the blame pinned on an innocent (though crazed) foreigner, who can doubt that these attacks were mounted by the Dictator himself?”, he screamed.

“Despite my asking, one minute ago, where Alex Salmond was when these attacks took place, the SNP has totally failed to answer. Proof positive that the Fat Controller committed these crimes himself to whip up support for his failing, one-man campaign to rip Scotlandshire out of the Union. Like the Scotlandshire football team, the SNP has no defence.

“When I rule Pakistan, I will return it to London rule. That will sort out these stupid separatists who thing Pakistan can run its own affairs – like my Dad.”