First Minister to quit later today

Alex Salmond will resign by the end of today in disgrace after a new poll revealed damning evidence that separation is a non-starter, BBC Scotlandshire understands.

Over 99% have either never heard of Scottish independence or failed to answer the question, according to an Ipecac MORAY survey of 7,176,686,110 people.

The poll, which was published on a website for everybody on Earth to access and partake in, was definitely not commissioned by Bliar McDougall, U-KOK head.

McDougall, U-KOK head, said: “I am totally surprised by this news, even though we were given the data a week in advance and had time to draw up suitable graphics for it.

“We are not, however, surprised by the results. Nobody on Earth cares about separation for Scotlandshire, so why should Scotlandshirians? We’re better together.”

A spokesnat for the SNP one-man dictatorship said: “It’s another bogus poll – there weren’t even 7,176,686,110 people alive on the days the survey was active. Somebody has just written this nonsense off the cuff today.

“You’ll be telling me there’s another poll out about space monsters next.”

The survey also found that 346% of Earthlings have no idea who Johann Lamont is.