Anger as Salmond fails to ban sandwiches

The First Minister of Scotlandshire is under increasing pressure to resign after failing to condemn a vicious sexist attack.

Julia Gillard, of Australia, was almost bludgeoned by a sandwich thrown from behind during a school visit.

Astonishingly this was the second time Ms Gillard had come under fire from a flying tuna and sweetcorn lunch bomb.

Labour’s Johann Lamont used the personal incident for political gain. She said: “This poor woman has been subjected to a sustained, co-ordinated attack campaign of vile, disgusting fascist abuse.

“No group has yet come forward, but it bears all the hallmarks of a classic dirty tricks campaign by an army of bitter cybernats, led by the SNP.”

Tory cheerleader Ruth Davidson said: “First Susan Calman, then my buddy Nigel Farage, then British saviour Sir Christopher Hoy. And now this. This is much worse than the bedroom tax, which the Scotlandshire government does nothing about.

“The silence of Alex Salmond on this matter speaks volumes.”

A random Twitter user who definitely won’t be quoted in the papers tomorrow said: “Off course tosser Salmon won’t ban sandwitches, the soft sod luvs them coz he’s a fat sludge of sperm! #BetterTogether”