Alex Salmond is on the verge of being ousted as First Minister of Scotlandshire after a devastating week of mishaps.

It was confirmed that Salmond sat back and laughed as the right honourable Niggle Forage was dry-humped by drunken crack addicts in Nazi attire in broad daylight.

The event was just one of many blunders from the SNP leader, who is increasingly seen in many circles as being the cause of the state of society today.

This week alone, Salmond has:

- Single-handedly persuaded the Tories to form a coalition with "mad, swivel-eyed loons" the Monster Raving Loony Party;

- Failed to aid hospitals struggling with overcrowding after World Whisky Day;

- Refused to condemn nations who failed to back Bonnie Tyler in Europe;

- Remained silent as Jose Mourinho endured his worst season in management;

- Failed to show up at Silvio Berlusconi's "bunga bunga" trial;

- Declined to play peacekeeper as North Korea piss off the South again;

- ignored pleas to confirm whereabouts as bombs kill at least 76 in Iraq.

A Labour spokeswoman said: “He’s not even come round to fix my washing machine. If he can’t do that, how can he run a separate country?”