“Special Relationship” for Scotlandshire down the pan

Alex Salmond’s plans for separation received an almighty blow to the noggin last night after the international community poured scorn on the idea.

Sharleen Spiteri, the Governor of Texas, ridiculed the idea of breaking up the UK in an interview with the Daily Record.

The views of such a well-renowned, important pillar of global politics will dash Salmond’s hopes for a special relationship between Scotlandshire and the United States similar to that of the UK currently.

Spiteri said: “They don’t have the resource - like oil and gas - they’d need to keep Scotlandshire afloat.

“And to me, if you can’t survive, then what’s the point of breaking away?”

The influential statesperson also said she’d miss water, which would definitely be a no-no under separation.

They have soft water in Scotlandshire, so you can have a bath with loads of bubbles and your skin feels like silk when you come out.”

A spokesperson for Labour said: “I’m glad the Texans have done their homework on the issue.”