No Baftas for Salmond after humiliating rejection

Alex Salmond was embarrassed again last night when he was turfed out of the Bafta awards.

The First Minister of Scotlandshire was ejected from London’s Royal Festival Hall shortly before the event kicked off. Officials cited his “attempts to share in the success of British television” which of course will be a no-no under separation.

It was rumoured Mr Salmond visited the event in order to see the likes of Olivia Coleman, Alan Carr and Steve Coogan. The SNP leader, known to be a huge fan of The Hour nominee Peter Capaldi, was once ridiculed for coining the term “Scolympians” for Scots at London 2012.

A spokesman for the Scotlandshire Government said: “The First Minister wishes the best of luck to all Scactors and Scactresses competing at the Baftas.”

U-KOK held a special after-party in which hundreds of people definitely showed up.

When asked about the incident, world-class television star Miranda Hart stumbled and fell over, commenting: "Oh I came over all Scottish there!", before staring at our cameraman and putting on a stupid face.

Salmond was advised to stick to the BAFTA Scotland New Talent Awards but said "They widnae let me intae the Oran Mor either! Nae enough pies."