The SNP were dealt a further fifteen hundred devastating blows to the face last night, leaving their separation plans in tatters.

First Minister Alex Salmond was called “un-Scottish” and “a dirty bastirt” by Unionists after he failed to protect Scottish comedians from hecklers.

It has been confirmed by The Hootsmon that Cybernats were directed by Salmond to pick on what they perceived to be unfunny, stereotypical “pish”.

Labour MSP Jackie Baillie said: “The SNP go out their way to ruin lives. First it was preventing real Scots from practicing their singing at football matches, then trying to lower the amount of cool smokers in the region, and now this.

“Comedians are important to Scotlandshire and if they don’t feel loved in their jobs there will be no budding Billy Connollys, Susan Calmans or Johann Lamonts in the future to tickle our funny bones.”

Professional heckler Joe K’sun Ewe said: “If that dirty bastirt tries to put some sort of law through stopping the likes of me from making feart stand-ups cry over their blogs, this place will go to the wall.

“I’d pelt Salmond with tomatoes but he probably has no idea what they are, the fat f*ck.”