The Police Scotlandshire Riot Squad were called to break up a major fight at the DunAngus Lapdancing Club, where the wake for Mrs Philomena McClumpherty was being held.

It is alleged that her heir Marmaduke Phipps became upset when presented with the bill for the evening by club chairman, McClumpherty's second cousin, Iain Taylor, a snake and rape oil salesman in neighbouring Brechin and lashed out at him. The bill exactly equalled the value of Mrs McClumpherty's estate - £18,000,097.56.

Phipps had apparently ordered, and consumed, several bottles of club Bollinger ("our own formula, and distilled in the secure area of the slaughter hoose") and had endured hours of his lap being danced on by Miss Netta McLafferty in army boots.

A witness said that "the Sassenach loon didnae unnerstaun that Scots cash stays in Scotlandshire. Ower muckle his crossed the border tae London pooches afore - nae noo."

She added that Phipps appeared to be incandescent about being "kettled" and held in police custody while being forced to listen to endless songs by The Singing Kettle, and claimed police brutality

"He was incandescent", she told our reporter.