Bassey explains why she is at London gig not McClumpherty funeral

Dame Shirley Bassey released a statement in response to criticism that she was attending the funeral of a minor dignitary in Westminster, instead of that of Unionist luminary Mrs Philomena McClumpherty.

"Most of my repertoire relates to the spending of Scotlandshire's Oil revenues", she said. While Mrs McClumpherty only bought the occasional can of WD 40 in the General Store, Westminster bought the destruction of all manufacturing with Scotlandshire's Oil. I am honoured to be asked to sing Big Spender in St Paul's in memory of that..

"Of course, most of my other songs relate to Westminster and Scotlandshire's Oil. These include As Long as She Needs Me : Burn My Candle : Get the Party Started : History Repeating : I (Who Have Nothing) : I Get a Kick Out of You : I Will Survive : I'll Get By (As Long as I Have You) : If You Go Away : Light My Fire : The Nearness of You : Non, je ne regrette rien : The Party's Over : Pennies from Heaven : Time After Time : Who Can I Turn To? : World in Union : You'll Never Know : You'll See, as well as my final tribute to her - Losing My Mind."

The McClumpherty family were incandescent. "We are incandescent", they told our reporter.