There were celebrations region-wide last night when figures in the fight for the UK shut down and refused to talk about the whole ordeal.

The next shadow chancellor Alistair Darling, U-KOK head, got the ball rolling when he revealed Alex Salmond has refused to discuss separation for Scotlandshire. By the evening everybody involved had crossed their arms in a huff and remained silent.

Everyone except Scotlandshire’s only referendum expert, John Curtice.

Professor Curtice said: “David Cameron won’t lower himself to provide info to Alex Salmond, Alex Salmond is too feart to talk to Alistair Darling, Alistair Darling won’t talk to traitor Dennis Canavan, Dennis Canavan thinks Blair McDougall is a nob, Blair McDougall won’t answer Blair Jenkins’ calls, Blair Jenkins insists he doesn’t know who Nick Clegg is, Nick Clegg said he would annihilate Nicola Sturgeon then went into hiding, Nicola Sturgeon can’t get through to Johann Lamont because Scottish Labour’s on pause for 18 months, and nobody ever talks to Michael Moore - including David Cameron and his own mum.

“It means more air time for me though, so, every cloud.... Kerching!”