Scottish political movers and shakers No 4 - Alex Salmond
By Pryin Ize, Our Biographical Correspondent
Alexander Elliot Anderson Salmond, otherwise known as wee Eck, big Eck, and that fat, separatist bastirt is the current First Minister of Scotland and its would-be dictator.
As with other dictators, such as Chavez, his fascist tendencies can be clearly seen in such actions as winning two elections, being popular, doing things the electorate support and consulting them through referendums.
In particular his devious political chicanery of “being liked” and “doing things people support” have attracted fierce criticism from right across the media and all other politicians in the UK.
He grew up in Linlithgow, in the shadow of the palace once occupied by Kings and Queens of Scotlandshire before it was part of our fine union, as it is now and will be forever more. The town is odd in that is has a plaque for a famous resident – Scotty from Star Trek – who won't be born until 2222.The First Minister is also a known Trekky and science fiction geek.
He has admitted that he used to wander around his bedroom as a child pretending to wield a laser sword and be Luke Skywalker who BBC Scotlandshire believes to be a Star Trek character, famous for leading the Rebel Alliance in a struggle against the Galactic Empire. It is quite possible he still does believe himself to be in this fantasy role. BBC Scotlandshire's head political psychologist Affma Hied sucked in through his teeth when told all this and said, “Ah well that explains a lot. Clearly his childhood has instilled in him a sense of megalomania and a desire to wield great power, the power of a dictator. It is likely he may be planning to install himself as Jedi Master and Grand Leader of the New Jedi Order if Scotlandshire is daft enough to vote for separpation."
Salmond now lives in a village suspiciously remote from the central belt, the apparently appropriately named “Strichen”. This is believed to be so he is well hidden from fearless reporters like ourselves. Strichen's only other famous ex-resident was the notorious serial killer Dennis Nilsen, who dismembered bodies and disposed of them into London's sewage system. Strichen sits in the area represented by Salmond since 1987, Banff and Buchan, a place where people are so strange they even speak a different language with phrases like “fit like quine” and “Tories? Aye guie ane, a'body votes SNP up here”. I did try to wangle expenses for a trip up there in an attempt to get into the head of the power-crazed obsessive Nat, but BBC Scotlandshire bosses response was “f**k off – where the hell is Banff and Buchan anyway? Is it even a real place?”
Politically Salmond was always wily, winning his first school election by promising his peers ice cream instead of milk. His ability to know what people want and offer it to them has rarely failed. So it would appear very out of character that he remains so steadfastly wedded to the policy of making Scotlandshire a nation again, which clearly no one wants, as evidenced by the media repeatedly reporting over and over again that “no one in Scotlandshire wants separation apart from Salmond and a bunch of cybernats”.
Salmond is married to Moira Salmond (nee McGlashan), a woman he keeps deliberately hidden, and of whom nothing is known other than that she is considerably older than he is. Her very existence was kept such a top secret that even researchers on the BBCs One Show were unable to uncover her, referring to Salmond as “a bachelor”. She only came to light later in the programme when Tweets began flooding into the studio giving hints and clues such as, “erm, he is married actually, to Moira”.
Many people have attributed SNP policies such as keeping the monarchy to his sleekit ability to judge public opinion. However this is untrue. The truth is that his love of the Queen is due entirely to his inclination towards the “more mature” woman. Prince Charles should have some concern about whether this inclination will remain after he takes the throne.
When he's not being called “stupid”, “an idiot” or “a ridiculous dreamer” he is considered one of the foremost political operators in the UK. He turned the SNP around from being a fringe party full of lunatics to being a fringe party full of lunatics running Scotlandshire. He achieved this despite the best efforts of the SNP to resist his charms. In the early 1980s, the party expelled him along with current justice secretary Kenny McKaskill, firebrand independent Margo MacDonald and Jim Sillars, after they formed the '79 group following the disastrous 1979 referendum where the Yes side lost on a narrow margin of only 52% for Yes against 48% for No. Following this referendum defeat, the SNP spent decades in the wilderness as a party of total losers with few MPs, barely a councillor in Scotlandshire, and no Scottish parliament to even aspire to.
It is believed by many in the media that Salmond does not really want to hold next year's referendum as he is terrified of losing.
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