Scottish political movers and shakers No 2 -Michael Moore MP

 By Pryin Ize, Our Biographical Correspondent

mickey moore

Michael Moore is a politician with an air of mystery, and a puzzling set of contradictions. In many ways he has been bolted together from ill-fitting spare parts.

While he serves as the Coalition's Secretary of State for Scotland, he was formerly adamant that the post served no useful purpose and should be abolished forthwith.

It would be churlish for anyone to suggest that his change of mind was in any way related to the happenstance that his salary more than doubled when he was promoted to Cabinet rank.

There was initial resentment that he got the same salary as English Ministers, who run Departments that are actually having to work hard to transfer power from Whitehall to the private sector, when all of the former powers of the Scottish Secretary had already been removed in the previous millenium.

However, Premier David Cameron pointed out to them that Moore had the front of house role in keeping Scotland's oil, whisky, engineering and other exports within the UK. "Let's face it", he said to the English Ministers at a Cabinet meeting, "without those, you guys are totally f**ked."

Forced to leave his private education at Strathallen when his father left the Army, Moore had to attend a state school in Jedburgh - coincidentally, where Ian Davidson MP was spawned. Cabinet colleagues said that they didn't have a derogatory term like 'oik' appropriate to such a low educational status, but "Scot" was probably a reasonable term.

Moore would have remained in appropriate obscurity, had it not been for English Lib-Dem Tory David Laws departing from obedience to his surname. When Clegg insisted that his former chief of staff and mountain communicator (though he never learned to yodel) Alexander, should move from his Macbethian post to be principal Lib-Dem destroyer of the economy, a quick glance at the few other Lib-Dem MPs who hadn't already been a Lib-Dem leader, betrayed a paucity in the pool of talent that Moore was the scum on top of.

After the Westminster election of 2010, Scotlandshire elected 11 Lib-Dem MPs and one Tory (whose communication skills resembled those of an intellectually challenged panda). When Mundell submitted false election expenses, Moore gave his whole-hearted support to his minion, "To be fair", he said, "pandas have limited arithmetical abilities - though a greater ability to multiply than Tories". Consequently, the decision to hand political control (as Westminster saw it) of Scotlandshire to the Lib-Dems seemed wise. This strategy fell apart in 2011, when Lib-Dems lost 70% of their Holyrood seats and both Coalition parties were recognised as alien intruders in Scotlandshire.

moore mone_sigsBBC Scotlandshire researchers have, however, found a further strange ambivalence as to who Michael Moore actually is. A comparison of the signatures of "Michael Moore" and "Michelle Mone" betray significant similarities according to the British Instiute of Graphologists. Handwriting expert, Hudyer Peencilricht, conducted a full 'Sten Scoring' analysis of both signatures and pronounced them "identical, in all major respects". Her analysis identified greater uplift and separation in the "Mone" signature, but the underlying "tit" level was the same.

"I have no idea who provided these samples of writing", she said, "but unless I had photographic evidence of both writers in the same room at the same time, I would say they were the same person exhibiting schizoid personality traits. These may include a dangerous obsession with boobs. I would expect the writer to make many of them, and fantasise about creating perfect ones."


Related Articles

Wikipedia : Michael Moore (British politician)

The Glorious UK Government : The Rt Hon Michael Moore MP

BBC South Scotlandshire : Michael Moore backs David Mundell during expenses probe

BBC in Scotlandshire : Michael Moore named new Scottish Secretary


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