By May D Tollup, our (unpublished) Constitutional Correspondent

David Cameron has said that MPs representing Scottish constituencies should be "seen but not heard" in the next Westminster parliament.

In a speech to non-dom party donors and Daily Mail editors, filmed by the BBC, the Prime Minister said that Scottish MPs must not be allowed to take part in the business of the parliament, but should instead be welcomed as 'observers'.

He said: "We understand from our esteemed and very well-heeled colleague Lord Ashcroft that the vast majority of Scots members will represent the Scottish Nationalist Party after this election.

"Any party which does not support the continuation of the status quo can have no part to play in the running of our country. This would be unacceptable to the majority of Telegraph readers.

"All of the major parties understand the rules and follow them to the letter. The SNP plan to tear up our constitution, steal our hard-earned money and impregnate our women. We cannot allow this to happen.

"The SNP are like children. They simply do not understand the need to continually reduce public spending and shrink the state. That is why I say, like children, they should be seen but not heard.

"How can we possibly turn a decent profit while so much is still provided by the state? And if we don't make a profit, who is going to pay for everything? Alex Salmond?

"Quite frankly, I would rather pay taxes on my substantial offshore holdings than allow these lying SNP burglars to get their hands on any more English cash.

"While we are more than happy to welcome Scottish MPs to the House of Commons, they are our full and valued partners in the Union after all, there must be limits to our welcome.

"They will be free to take up their seats on the green benches and even to visit the Strangers' Bar - as long as they promise there will be no more unpleasantness.

"We will even add macaroni pies, square sausages and deep-fried confectionery to the canteen menu.

"However, I see no reason to allow Scottish members to actually vote or even speak in the house.

"After all, the VOW has been fully delivered by the Smith proposals and Scotlandshire will now enjoy the Home Rule that was promised last September.

"Consequently, there are now no matters remaining in this place in which the Jocks can take a legitimate interest. Only English MPs should be able speak and legislate on English concerns. And, when I say English, I include the Welsh – but only in certain reserved matters.

"For those who say this is unconstitutional, I say to you: it will be recorded on the BBC website minutes after I stop speaking – you are in fact reading it right now - and that makes it one of the few parts of our great British constitution to actually be written down.

"We can only hope that Scots will come to their senses before Thursday and return to voting for the Labour party as they have faithfully and selflessly done for so many decades.

"I am proud to say that many of my own party's supporters in Scotlandshire are now taking the decision to do just that in support of our beloved Union. An august institution which has served me, my family and many like us incredibly well for centuries.

"Long may it continue to do so."

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